The Cure In Hollywood November 21st 2011 NIght 1 of the Reflections tour

was beyond amazing, aside from the fact that my ex boyfriend sat right in front me, it was beyond what i expected it to be, it was all too spiritual for me so i completely forgot about everything.

i'm going to leave the little drama aside because this night was all too lovely for me

The Cure Reflections Night 1 Hollywood photos i took, some great, some crappy, but all in all it was amazing.

Chris Isaak Wicked Game

this boy is only gonna break your heart...

see what i did there? ha

such a hypnotizing song

cubicle

i didn't realize how much having my own room meant to me until i had to share it with my mom because of certain games she's trying to play with my dad. sure maybe i should move out if i want complete isolation, but i realized that although i may love and adore my family, i don't mind being away from them, maybe it's because they were hardly there growing up and when they did want to be there, we didn't want it. sure they support us financially, but if they want kick us out of the house, they can. we haven't done much for them to kick us out, but when we don't play by their rules, we get a slap on the hand now. nonetheless i seem like it's everything has been handed to me, not necessarily. i've had many early mornings accompanied by late nights and plenty of driving back to and from work or completely changing my day because of their work. i'm on call for their work 24/7. i clean the house which includes bathrooms and bedrooms, do laundry, and eventually i'll get to my room, which is rare. i really enjoy the time i spend alone in my room, listening to music, drawing, homework, reading, anything. it's my own personal sanctuary and i have personalized the hell out of it through the years. i feel like she's being so intrusive, but i feel terrible at the same time for feeling that way because she is the reason i have a room to sleep in in the first place, so for that i'll slap myself.



i'm not enjoying the total smack talking i'm getting from either.

notas a mi padre

how the hell do you expect us to give you respect after all you've done. Not just us, but our mother, your wife! it's been so long since i've felt compassion for you and i've lost all respect and pride in you. you really think she's better than my mother? she's taking all of your money away and leaving us with nothing, i could care less if you leave your kids with money or not, fuck, i'll get a job in the end if i have to, to make ends meet and quit school to help my family out, but don't do this to my mom, don't stick around, you're killing her mind and weakening her, just leave already, leave to be with her lazy, needy self, and her druggie, disrespectful kids. i can't even look you in the eyes anymore. you get the 20% you deserve and you'll never have the 80% my mom is, never will you find someone like her. she's been dealing with all your bullshit from the very beginning since before i was born; cheating, lying, and drinking, even beating her sometimes, but really? you are in your mid 50's and cannot even step up to the plate, we ALL know you're cheating and supporting another family who isn't even yours (who knows maybe they are) i don't know where everything failed, you've always been a dog, even when i was growing up i remember you leaving for weeks even months at a time to go drink your nights away and come home whenever you liked, leaving my mom to work and us alone. i remember the arguments and the bottle throwing, by the way you missed a couple times when you threw a couple at me.you should have hit me instead of mom. i cannot stand seeing you here, sleeping and eating in this house and leaving the weekend to be with her. you disgust me

he's like nothing i pictured him to be, even better actually, or at least that's how things always seem in the beginning of anyones relationship, be it romantically or just friendly. i first thought he was overly macho and too serious with his gucci shades and beanie (made him look like a douche honestly lol), but eventually he proved me wrong, serious and mature, but silly with almost a childlike fondness. his aztec appearance is the first thing that always catches my eyes, then it's the lightly curled hair, with the both nicely and oddly strands of genetically white hair placed at his widows peak, he's a god in my eyes. With that tight body, a girl can only dream right? And that personality just makes a total package. honestly when i first saw him i immediately thought he was quite the stud, but figured he was a douche so i showed no interest, then we got to know each other a little more and he's not at all, not at all. i plan on taking this guy to the art walk, who knew we both loved art and the same music. the age difference does still scare me a tad.

fleet foxes are usually what i play in order to study without getting distracted, they put me at ease and everyone should have given them a listen by now. this blood typing for anatomy has me up against a wall.





hope everyone had a great halloween weekend!

mine was good, not too crazy, but just the right amount of good fun. on a side note, when i went out for lunch and a movie with my friend james, we both came to a conclusion that every time we're just about ready to give up on the male species, some charming man (i can't help but think of the smiths... the smiths- this charming man) comes out of no where and begins to work his magic on us, but then again maybe it's our fault, no no, it is our fault for being so easily attracted to people who show interest, we may not give in easily to anything, but we sure find interest in people quite easily. at the moment it's a man i'm interested in, a man, like Javier Bardem, only a much younger and leaner version of him. He makes me weak, with his aztec looks and chiseled body, and those aztec tattoo's only make him better. once again i go doubting myself, but he's almost seven years my senior and surprise! he has a kid...exactly. god, i'm such a girl. where is my bro self at?

dearest

so i sit here again at a coffee shop, studying the inner part of the ear and learning which scala belongs to which cavity and the function of the cochlear or what the name for each of the semicircular canals are. oh joy, but at the same i have a friend of mine who is depressed, he's a wonderful guy and lawd knows how badly he wants to find love. Bear with me because i'm going back to the emotional female part of myself, which I guess is a major part of this bog. Most of the time i'm a tomboy, don't like to show how i feel, but i do let people see my emotional side sometimes, anyway he gets me thinking again about love right? I've come across many guys lately, but they all just want one thing it seems, the obvious. Sex. Most of them have an awesome personality and we seem to click, but throw a few drinks and we start fooling around, but i won't give in. I will not, partly because it doesn't feel right to me and because i'm extremely insecure and i don't want to ruin anything. I'm somewhat glad i am not committed to anyone because it gives me the freedom to talk to anyone without feeling guilty or the freedom to kiss anyone for the hell of it, although i do choose someone that i've known for quite a while first. See, when i drink i tend to let loose (not entirely eh), not give a care, and pretend like i'm not being judged...well actually it's just regular me x10, which i have to admit I am a joy to be around and am careful with being obnoxious, you know how drunk girls get right? Back to what i was talking about, love. It'd be nice to meet that person you're meant to be with now or a few days from now, but i've been waiting 20 years, why not 20 more? too long i tell ya. The closest i have come lately to even meeting someone with potential, real potential was last friday  night, halloween party, booze is flowing, but i control  myself and get a good buzz, we're all having fun, dancing, I walk around to make sure my friends are having fun, OH! there are my two closest friends making out, OH! there goes my other friend throwing up in the rose bush that left me a few scratched that night, OH! the werewolf and minnie mouse are chatting away...we all know where that leads, and it was lovely time they all had. As did I. I paired up with a friend that night, i've known him a couple of years and he's a very sweet, sweet guy, who sort of mirrors myself, but might just be a bit shyer than I, we dance all night, i'd leave and he's go looking for me, jokingly i'd accuse him of making out with other girls, then we'd start making out in front of strangers just standing there at the party and he's my kind of kisser, rough, sweet, a little lip biting. then we all head home, but he's too drunk to drive, so he crashes at my place, i show him where, but i end up staying there to "accompany" him until he falls asleep. we did not go all the way even though there was still a good amount of alcohol in the both of us, we laughed all night, kissed here and there, talked about life, family, stupidities and anything in between until the sun rose. that's probably the closest i've felt to love than anything else, even with my ex, this is still the closest and it was nice to see the brighter side of what a relationship could be. I loved that moment in time, i'm not sad about it being over, i'm happy i got to have a taste of what that feels like. hopefully someday it'll be more than just an evening with someone just as special.



honestly, i don't know where this post went. everywhere

Asobi Seksu- In the Sky

i don't know where i heard this first, but i ran across it on my ibob earlier today and was in love all over again

Goodbye Horses - Q Lazzarus

just sink this in, wonderful

Galapaghost - Truman

he puts me at ease

he's my pleasure

when i listen to today's country i choose wisely ad i am not ashamed to love this guy, he puts on a great show and i've always loved him. this is my current obsession annnnnnddddddd

THE CUREEEEEEE Hell yesss!!! they're coming to la in november and you bet your ass i'm going.

i'm stoked. extremely stoked and loving everything.

now to leave off where i began with the Dan thing, i know it's an odd thing to say, but the fact that I am only 20 and find that he is a family man and adores his mom, makes me want him more. weird? no? No. i just really have always loved that about men, those who seem to do well their family, frankly my ex was the complete opposite and i'm not going back to that. dan is so amazing, i've known him since freshman year in high school, so about 6 or 7 years now. he's always been the same, sweet, dudish lol with an awkwardness i love, very polite, with a macho side and have i mentioned that grin that kills? mmm. and we do both like each other a lot. and we don't blame the alcohol for provoking us, so that's a start right? i don't communicate with like we were dating, but i hope we do and if we don't well then i'll have to deal with it, he is pretty smokin' if i do say so myself.

i played the role of cupid just the other day. i love watching people fall in love, i'd like to know what that  feels like sometime, but for now seeing it around me makes me happy, naturally.

comission

this commission i recently got is freaking me out, i just started it and i'm completely thinking it through a lot, so i'm doing other little things instead, but this all means i'm putting it aside. tonight, tonight i will paint and find my zone, drown myself in sense of a rhythm and paint the way i do when nothing else really matters.

wish me luck

Gotye- Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)- official film clip (HD)

this is the exact situation i was in. i'm so glad it's over. i love everything about this song and video

yes

for leaving him. it's been about two or three months, i'm not keeping count anymore with trying to remember how long it's been and this is exactly how i feel about him. i don't want anything to do with him anymore, nor do i miss him, not even a little. moving on...



this whole work out thing is a part of my everyday routine, going at least five times a week to the gym, hiking or whatever it is i can find to do. my legs are already shaping up again and my eating habits are better. i eat tons of veggies, but i'll have chicken or something somedays. i may not be losing weight, but i am toning up and i can feel it.


i recently got my first commission job for a painting and you don't know much i am freaking out. i'm so excited to begin it, but the problem is i don't know exactly how to charge, for the canvas obviously and some paint, but it's only a 24x30 it's not big at all. wish me luck and maybe some advice?



now lets see...last night ohhhahah was something else. you know how in high school you always had a crush on a close friend of yours, but never did it cross your mind that you'd ever get a bit romantic? well, that's me right there, i had a crush on dan freshman year of high school and lasted through senior year, then i forgot about him until this past month because he came back to la and we've been hanging out with the same group of friends. things completely went to a different level last night, maybe it was the few shots or jack and coke i was having, but eventually one thing led to another and there we were making out next to the sink, passionately breathing each other in. we had talked a little before this and his ex girlfriend from years ago is now my closest friend. he says he loves us both as friends, but doesn't want to hurt anyone. she isn't interested in him romantically anymore because she's still in love with her recent ex of 3 or 4 years and yes, she knows we make out. while we were having our little pow wow, the sex thing came up and all i could think about at that point was my good friend. i can't do that to her, besides i've only had a sexual relationship with one person. i can't just throw myself out there because i'm single, sure it's my decision if i do or don't, but it's not a part of who i am. then he did his sweet talking and "we don't have to, if you don't want to" we didn't because i can't do that to my family and i shrunk back into my wrap. i also thought about what he saw in me, he's a hot young adult with a smile, dimples, and a grin that kills i can't help but smile back. he;s got a tight body with just enough muscle to be in the athletic category, then i see myself- eh nice hair, ok skin, nice eyes, dorky, spunky, sweet and chubby. as every day goes by i'm becoming more and comfortable with myself. in all honesty the words he spoke of me were the absolute most beautiful words i've heard come out of a drunk man's mouth (lol), followed by a soft kiss after every compliment that was said. i can be myself around him and i adore that.  and those glasses...prescription

Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love (Live on KEXP)

still gets to me, i'm in love

Arctic Monkeys - A Certain Romance

they're here in october!

life on the nickel

get where i'm getting at? Foster The People

i'll be seeing them in a couple weeks in santa ana! my favorite song is "I would do Anything For You" /\

the way things have been going so far are (were) a tad bit confusing, but i fixed it. i cut him out. i didn't feel anything from him and he never showed me that he really wanted this. i expect someone to fight for me and try to win me back not just let it go if i were giving up. maybe that's was made me get rid of this fantasy. i know i've done this plenty with him, where i broke up with him or things just didn't work out because of him.  frankly i wish i could say i did something wrong so i felt like he was nothing to me, but that's not me. although he's cheated on me countless times i still wanted him, but this it's almost like i needed to not feel. maybe you don't understand me, but i just wanted to feel that i felt nothing or that i was just tired of all the bullshit. this time i'm not mad, i'm just a little sad, but nothing major. i'm not crying over this and i just want to move on, i have been. i'm doing everything i was, i'm just not worrying about him and wether or not he's up to no good. he's the only i have ever been with. i'm ready for a long term relationship, but not with him. he doesn't make me feel good anymore and gosh so untrustworthy and confused he is, he's a mess. in the word of my dear friend mario, "you don't need him, you need a real mature man, not a child"(mario is gay :)) lol)  funny, i'm younger than he is, but it's sad to him waste his life away like this and i have been wasting my time being hurt and trying to work something out that could never. i doubt anyone will read this long ass life story about "the jerk" most men seem to be like him, i'm not saying all, but a good handful are. why can't they ever see past their past and realize what they have in front of them is much better, she'll walk away like i did. I walked away when i told him i was done, i didn't yell, i didn't cry,  nor ask questions about our future. just walked away with my pride and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. i think he's happier, maybe. i am, but i do miss him a little. i think i just became too comfortable with the same person for two years. it's going to be tough doing that with someone else, but i could learn. i need a 'champion'.

1st fashion fub

ok so here is an attempt at a little fashion. i am a plus size, this isn't news for you.

the dress i purchased at H&M and should be a newer addition to their dresses. I have a size L
and my wedges are from Steve Madden, which are much older. size 7.5? i believe.

avoiding my childish smile, the hair was unintentional, but i think it works. slicked back into high messy bun with my bangs in clear view


you'll be seeing my walls plenty, it's the artist in me? lol enjoy!

i'll try posting my artwork as well

Small Hours, Robert Smith, Tribute to John Martyn

this tribute is so god given wonderful. it makes me feel those things i can't explain. it's such a pretty song and it really makes me want to paint, dance near the ocean under the moonlight baring my all. brilliant

Heavy Hawaii - Suicide Summer

i first hear them about 6months ago. i felt it

Bjork-So Broken(Jools Holland 2001)

although i don't smoke, this song makes me want to sit at a small, white rusted coffee table in france, smoking a cigarette away, having a glass of fine red wine, and having my own moment of looking back. all while grinning

Florence and the Machine - Girl With One Eye (MTV)

this live version is fantastic.

and exactly the mood i'm in

stupid is as stupid does

you know when someone tries to talk and talk and talk AND TALK in order for every single little thing on their mind to be blabbed out? well sometimes they use that tactic to minimize your importance. oh this person does this to me very well, they're genius. me being calm and cool, it's like they want to rundown my   chill wall i have up, like they're trying to diminish any little chance i have at putting them in their place with my words. i understand they love doing things their own way and only their way is right is apparently, but i'd like to believe i have some sort of smart morsel left in me to decide for myself.


(certain) men and their pride are ridiculous

black dress

sometimes it feels like all I want to do is drape myself in black clothing, it's not like I feel I have something to hide or consider myself emo, it's just what I find comforting. I look far from goth, but sitting in this car, with this hot ass, humid weather in SoCal I'm second guessing my wardrobe for driving my mother around, knowing I'll have to wait in the car, I should have known better.

putting that silliness aside, it's not what I wanted to write about. I think about where everything is going and I worry. worry I won't be the head honcho of some place, be successful, or even about making my parents proud. the one thing that makes me poop my pants more than anything, is letting my parents down, especially my mom. them coming from another country and essentially sweating blood and tears for what we have today makes me feel like I should somehow do the same, but roach coaches aren't quite my thing.
so I go to school, but what if that fails?
I get a job, what if that fails?
be a starving (not striving), I wish I could I fail because then it means I'll be brilliant.

another thing would be my current relationship status, we aren't together and I like it that way, I love having a partner, don't get me wrong, but when your supposed 'other half' doesn't really feel like he/ she belongs to you, something is wrong there, no?
im a true believer in people changing, but I don't know about that anymore, at least for this guy, so should I waste my time even allowing him to win me over?
because sadly I don't feel like I did anymore, I used to be so in like, not in love, with him. there was a point where I would I say I love you, but I don't even know what love is, I look back and it doesn't seem real, from either of us. he will never love me and I don't think I could ever 100% forgive him. sounds like a breakup in the making doesn't it?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Anything Box - Jubilation

good ol' 80's

there is a new restaurant "New Wave" in my town 80's themed, i'll e having a depeche 'a la' mode tomorrow, only a little. can't wait to see how they decked it out

i still miss new york

brother and i in times square 

my favorite dress (bloom)

visited the met

my favorite was SoHo

frida :)

there were tons of Picasso's 

walking up to it i cried and i'd love to have it tattooed some day one me

one of the most beautiful sunsets i had ever seen yet on 4th of july

saw a cirque du soleil zarkana performance

we had breakfast at tiffanys

change it up

instead of just posting my mood or events and music, i decided that i will add a little fashion, not much, but me being a fuller girl, maybe someone will like what im wearing. by day and night if i'm not up too much i just wear casual things like a pair of jeans and a tee and sneakers, maybe a jacket or cardigan. i'm very plain and simple, but when it's time to go out i like to get dolled up (or what i think is dolled up haha) every once in a while.

listening to a certain song may even inspire me sometimes and i'm thinking i should also start posting some of my art work soon.

Of Monsters And Men - Love Love Love

i really cannot get enough of them.

i found myself listening to this song again after quite some time and holy shit did it manage to make a low blow. i had not listened to it like i said for a while now, this time i listened to it and heard the lyrics, felt the emotion. and boy did i feel it well. i'm not messed up or anything, it's just the fact that i know how sadly this will end. i just honestly don't think we were meant to be. i feel more than he does, as much as i try to tell myself i don't or that i am not taking this seriously. he seems like he's trying so hard to forget her and god it's been great, but i know it's only a matter of time before things screw up again. i've got a friend who is angry for me even wanting to try again. little does he know i am also, but it's hard to let go of something i care so much for, even though it hurts me sometimes. this isn't too healthy is it? i am an idiot who doesn't follow her own advice. i love love love when i know you can't love. funny little fucked up thing. don't get me wrong i can live alone and be independent, but when it comes to him, sometimes i wish i had never met him, but then i would have never met some of my closest pals. universally maybe he's meant to teach me a lesson, i hope i learn it once and for all soon.

Big Mama Thornton "Ball And Chain"

this just makes me want to sit down, tap my foot, enjoy a cold one, and nod in pure pleasure. mmm yes

lovesong

the cure is at the top of my list, they are my number one, but when it comes to music that hits that nerve and runs through my blood, the artist that seems like they know you and it's almost like they wrote those songs for you, for me it's Adele. Next to the Cranberries, I compare Adele to them. She is my cranberries of today. It's funny to feel that way, but music is so powerful. The way a certain song or artist can make you feel is unbelievable, they do what i wish i could do. Connect with people through song and rhythm. To me she will never be overrated, just like the cure and the cranberries or the whole 80's aren't to me. i have all the hopes to see her on august 17, although i will be starting the school semester by then, i've saved up just for this. the show is sold out, but i will get my ticket no matter what. when i'm inside and catch a glimpse of her, i will be star struck and will become one emotional motherfucker. as soon as i start to hear her sing and watch her with the passion she performs with, i will cry. this may sound crazy, but she (more or so her music) has become a part of me and explain a lot of what i have been through and still am going through.

just a thought.

cycl3

it's starting all over again. i'm afraid of being lied to all over again, then why take the chance? because i care too much. that's my problem.

Florence + the Machine - Blinding (Rivoli Ballroom Live) HD

everything about this song is just amazing. powerful

new york vacation

well my brother and i had decided that we just wanted to go to a place we had never been before and so for a couple of years we saved up and picked new york because it was a stereotypical tourism spot we had always wanted to visit. And now here i am at the holiday inn express near times square wondering, "why the fuck am i in the bathroom making my bed?" i only paid the biggest share and every other extra expenses. i'll tell you why, my brother's childish girlfriend has got me so irritated i don't want to be in the same room with her. personally it takes a lot to irritate me.

so far it's been quite alright, we did the usual; visit the empire state building, head up to the 30 rock, visit the statue of liberty, took a stroll in central park (of the entire park, ENTIRE PARK). No that wasn't exhausting at all... anyway, we went on a radio city music hall tour, a cbs tour and also wandered through the shops on 5th avenue (no tax on clothing, hell yea!) and also went off to try some pizza, had a ton of starbucks, visited SOHO a few times (my favorite), Greenwich village, passed by NYU, and touched the bulls balls (for luck). on the 4th fourth of july we all headed down to the harbor and waited a good hour and a half for a firework show and sooner or later someone started whining and i get why, but  c'mon now. We went along to the natural history museum and the Metropolitan museum, and my favorite MoMA. I was so starstruck by the paintings i saw that i started crying, only a little i promise.

walking around the streets of new york was great and the whole trip was awesome, but remind me again to never allow my brother to bring his girlfriends or anyone that ever bickers with him a ton. i'm not one to become irritated so easily, nor mad. i'm pretty chill and like to go with he flow and let things roll off my shoulder, easy, for me. she was just such a lemon and brought the whole group down, don't get me wrong, my brother did also a few times, but he got over it easily. she, she would just hold a grudge the entire time and just make the mood unbearable, finally i got to a certain point where i couldn't take it anymore and i had to let her have it and let her hear (as well as m brother). she just kept insisting that nothing was wrong with her, but obviously there was because she had a snotty face and pouty lips all day, along with rolling her eyes every second of the day and just wouldn't participate. my brother would also start bickering the time was ruined. as soon as we got off the airplane and landed, the fights started. i honestly never want to bring those two together anywhere again. i had told him as well, but he invited them without telling me anything.

needless to say, even though i payed for most of everything, i ended taking a walk alone in times square and sleeping on the bathroom floor because i did not want to be near her nor feel her presence. i have never been so irritated in my life.

all that aside it was a great time, next i come back i'm coming alone or just with my bro and staying in Greenwich. 

My Gold Mask: Live at Pianos NYC

My Gold Mask: Live at Pianos NYC

Linkin Park LPU Summit Hamburg 2011 Mike & Chester Rolling in the Deep (...

this is fucking brilliant

they covered it so well

Alaska

I said my last goodbye to her before leaving to new york, she was an amazing dog for 10 yrs. she was family.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

hdog

just a quick thought about em'. he's great and ever since the beginning of the semester we've shown interest in each other. wether he's actually interested in me, i don't know. he's completely different from my ex, aside from being hispanic. i see a trend there, damnit. anyway, he was always funny and then he walks into class with his hair cut off, mind you he originally had shoulder length, curly hair, a crooked smile and somewhat crooked teeth, and he wears glasses. a dork with all the awkwardness i'm attracted to. That day, he looked so different, i swear to you he didn't look like himself, in a good way, not that he didn't look good before, but he oozed confidence and radiated. he felt like he was the shit with the new found attention. Feeding his ego, i walked over and said he looked great! i believe that's when the little new found spark started. A little teasing here, a little joke there, a lot of laughing everywhere and next thing i know we were sitting next to each other in painting class towards the end of the semester, laughing every time we caught each other looking at the other's painting or at one another. (he was beginning level and i'm at the art major level...i'm working on it.) feeling like i was in high school, a couple classmates started teasing him and sometimes they would tease me also, but i don't take things too seriously so they just brushed off my shoulder. i just find it hard to believe he'd be even a tad bit interested, i lack confidence, which i tend to show, but don't really feel. i look at me; short, in shape, but don't look it and mediocrely interesting and not so attractive. i look at him; (again) semi crooked smile and teeth, glasses, buff and in shape. ( he's loves working out) he's a genius and a bookworm yet knows how to party hard and control himself...sometimes, which he denies and he is a total sweetheart although he seems like an army badass (literally he is) and he's about 6 yrs older than i am.
so much for the quick thought, oops.

i hadn't seen him at all since the end of the semester and we had been talking about a concert we were both planning on going, but on different days.  The concert dates come around and he also ends up going the night i go, which i understand, it's his favorite band. Funny thing was that we spent about ten minutes on the phone trying to somehow find each other in  a crowd of thousands of drunk and rowdy fans before the show, impossible. we gave up and enjoyed the concert. AMAZING, it was. afterwards we call each other again and decide to say a quick hello, we struggle for about five minutes trying to hunt each other down so we decide to meet near the bar area. As soon as i see that fitted tee and those casual jeans, sneakers, and chiseled body i knew it was him. tapping his shoulder, i surprise him. he turns around and he fucking looks like someone just gave him a million bucks. i was excited also, but i loved his reaction and we talk about how we 'technically' hung out and the usual "it's been a while." we hug and those big arms wrapped around me like they were made for me, we hug again right away tightly, but only this time he picks me up, he said "i had to do it, this is crazy!" one thing i love, but hate with the same amount of passion is when someone picks me up, how much more self conscious could i be? so i call him an asshole, slap his chest and laugh. we quickly chit chat about the show, the fact that he had been drinking and how he will be "sheening" it and then i had to go. we say goodbye and one more hug. i wouldn't mind dating this guy, but i like us being friends.  
i'm thinking nothing more of this, why? well because i'm a girl and i just needed this out of my system.

jj - "Let Go" Secretly Canadian Records

i fell in love with them instantly when i first heard them not too long ago. check em out, they're worth it

Caifanes - La célula que explota

this song makes me feel melancholy, anger, and nostalgia

The Smiths - This Charming Man

it's just this type of evening :)

Mana June 24 2011 at the Staples Center

this was from last night! Mana has still got it and will never lose it! it sums up this whole night. my brother was on the other side of the staples center, i had forgotten my camera so i used his material and put a couple clips of mine from my cell. enjoy! it was amazing!

difference is

i guess i just don't feel the same way anymore. late monday afternoon i headed off to hollywood to catch panic! at the disco on the jimmy kimmel show, but i wasn't going alone. i would not have cared if i did, still i brought my younger brother along and my ex. i had not seen him (ex) since about a month and a half ago, when  we had both agreed to randomly meet up for lunch and before that it had been a few months or something. Anyway, i felt different. picking him up from his home because he also had a ticket to go and had actually invited me to go with him, but i got a pair before he had even asked. he seemed a bit hurt by this? i don't know, it's just that when he does that puppy dog face i feel like he's dying inside and when he does things like this, remembers me and wants to take me out, it's almost like he still wants to make up for what he did. i accept invitations sometimes because i feel bad and because yes, i do miss him at times, but honestly i don't feel the same anymore towards him. why do i still accept to see him? well because i'm stronger and feel it, i'm not the stupid and naive girl in la la land that i was when i was letting him get away with so many things. He originally just wanted it to be the two of us going to PATD because he still mentioned that my brother didn't want to go, he was right, but i knew my brother was going to enjoy it and he did actually. 

he tries to keep the conversation going in the car and that's just how he is and i'd just laugh at him. if he asked me something i'd give very quick answers because i don't want to seem so friendly, like he never did anything wrong. i always seem tough when meeting up with him because i have my guard up just in case. we arrived and i loosened up a little, but still gave him cold stares whenever he mentioned things i didn't want to remember. we had a good time overall and got to see funeral party before panic! went on (bonus). he laughed, we all laughed, we talked and listened to music. this time it was different, there were times  occasionally wanted to hug him and just kiss his cheek, but it faded soon enough as the night went on. i dropped him off, said hi to his mom, he walked me out, and we hugged. i gave a patted hug. this might be ridiculous, but a patted hug is a 'pal' type of hug and i chose wisely. i like seeing him, but not often.   

this time i left fine, i don't miss him and i expect nothing from him just as he shouldn't from me.

venting much? hah

Nek - Laura no esta.avi

i'm heading back to what i grew up with, i miss this

Me Vale (MANA) en vivo

they're playing saturday the 25th of june @ the Staples Center!

FUCK IM EXCITED!!! see you there!

Okkervil River - "Lost Coastlines" Jagjaguwar Records

honestly when i first heard this song i was instantly hooked. they've got a gig the 23rd this month at the wiltern (this week) i so wish i was going!!!!

enjoy nonetheless :)

Why Don't You Do Right - Am I Not Your Girl

mmm yes

Arctic Monkeys - Piledriver Waltz - Suck It And See

the more i listen to this album, the more i love it

Interpol - NYC [Official Video]

i'm sick of spending all of these hours training myself not to care- probably one of my favorite lines

i'm new york bound to the pornographic subways in ten days, pinch me.

Beach House - Heart of Chambers

in your heart of chambers, where you sit..

two steps back

i've always struggled with my weight, but about 4 years ago I had that "life changing" moment and i realized i  needed to feel better about myself and become healthier. i started jogging and changed my eating habit, and drinking tons of water and lost about 30 lbs, then i joined track in high school and it was one of the best things i had thought of and one of the best times of my life up until that point. Then i lost another 20. i was so happy with myself and proud of myself, but then i started college and i didn't do as much working out and i was eating about the same yet i kept gaining weight. i didn't mind gaining 15lbs, i was fine with that, as long as i maintained it, but no. I gained about 30 lbs back. I'm mortified and i broke down last night like a 2 year old would. I'm doing everything i should be, i jog (3miles) almost every day, i change up the work out, my caloric intake is good, and i drink a lot of water. I felt hopeless because i dont know what i'm doing wrong and i thought i was doing so well. i really don't want to have a thyroid problem, maybe i'm being naive, but i really dont want it to be that. So, i gave in, i gave in and got a membership to the gym. I'm changing my eating habits again and lowered my intake, but i wont be anorexic, i could never do that whole bulimic thing either, anyway i'm going to continue what i'm doing and add more cardio, weights and drink a lot more water. i have no problem becoming a vegetarian, but i like my chicken so i'll have a a more grain and vegetable thing going for me with chicken 2 or 3 times a week. i can tell from the last few months that my legs are gaining more muscle, but i guess i need an extra push to burn more. I guess it hit me hard like it did 4 yrs ago and i'm ready for this again and it helps that i enjoy working out.

MUSIC HELPS also lol

i went to go catch a movie with a friend the other day. we both made plans to go together and spend a chilly evening in old town pasadena. did i mention, i love that place? we caught an 810pm showing, but before hand we walked around the methodist church that's around the corner trying to find a place to smoke. it was more for his sake than mine, needless to say i don't do drugs, but i'm not opposed at all to reefer. it's just never really been my thing, sort of funny considering that quite a few of my friends are pot heads. i had tried it before, but maybe i didn't smoke it right because i felt nothing, i tried another time and i think i was too drunk to notice, and finally that night in pasadena i tried again, this time i felt it a little. i was already happy to begin with, but i was extremely happy about 10 minutes later and we walked into a lightly dimmed coffee shop and ordered a frozen hot chocolate with a croissant. it was good, then we walked into the theatre sat down, took another sip and it tasted amazing. lol it was weird. once the movie started my senses were a little more hyped, there was a ton of astronomical images and i was being blown the fuck away with sunspots, milky ways, and  radical nebulas. that was the only good part of that movie. then the feeling sort of faded, so i didn't get much of a high or blasphemous feeling, but it was still cool. overall, it was good night.

Memory Tapes "Yes I Know"

the way this video is made, i loved it from the first time i watched it. check it out

wel there is thing that i can't grasp. it's as if the whole world is moving along but i'm not. like i have been left in the dust (dear god how much more cheesy could this get)  Well i know i can get out of this, but it's taking me so much time, especially trying to figure out f i'd like to pursue my art career. You know, this scares the shit out of me.

everyone around me who was once in love is falling out of love and i don't know wether i'd like that anymore. i love being single, but i love having someone that i can plan with. Now i know people come and go, but i've had too many bad experiences with that and i'd like something stable. There are women who go from one relationship to another, one right after the other trying to figure what they're doing wrong and why things are going so badly. thing is they don't wait, they need that comfort and are almost desperate for attention and will take anything they can get. i on the other hand am not, i've been careful and unlucky, but maybe it's just not my time for a relationship and something good is on the way.  (my neck and back hurts from all of this slouching)

i feel like a child lost in the produce section looking for her mom. no bueno and like i need to leave the nesting grounds first to do what i feel i want to do, no restrictions, my own rules ( a bit of an oxymoron, but you know what i mean) and live the way i'm going to. get a job, dingy apartment, and make art. i'll be happy. (why do art supplies have to be expensive?)

here i am again, sitting in a coffee shop hiding myself from the cashier i've had a crush listening to Fleet Foxes, having overpriced coffee with a bagel i could make at home. it was delicious. sometimes i watch people, analyze them and wonder what their life must be like, humans do this in a matter of 3 seconds and we're probably wrong 9 times out of 10.

i didn't go to work but i have been up since 440am and here i ponder about what shenanigans i'll do today. yesterday         contacted me and wanted to go have (a romantic hah!) lunch at taco bell, it's been over two months i believe since i've seen him and it's done me well, so i don't know if i should accept the offer if it comes up again today. the whole 'one step forward, two steps back' comes into play sometimes. mario tells me i shouldn't see him, he's right, but me being a girl and having things like 'emotions' might have some sort of play in my decision. now if i come out of this hurt, well then that's my fault, but knowing me, if we do have lunch, i'll be quiet and distant or too happy around him, ignoring his subtle 'i miss you hints'. in reality it's not me he misses, it's the idea of me helping him get over his past, which won't happen anytime time soon. i act like a Goddamn wall, but when i get home, i crumble, like the berlin wall. that's if and when it becomes too much for me. i warned myself..

dreams

you were in my dream and it was both frightening and lovely. it was so new to me that i felt like a 9 year old child excited to go to a playground. i waited in the car for my friends and then you walked by and recognize me. we say hi and how it had been a while since we last saw each other. there you were, looking like a god, aura and all. tall, dark, and awkward. haha. but you just seemed so gorgeous and i wanted you to be mine, to share my life with you in that moment. it felt all too real that i knew it was a lie. you looked so charming in those tight jeans, hat, and boots. you looked better than ever with your sculpted muscles and beautiful smile. the same hipster- like hair style only more matured out. i couldn't help, but stare. we chatted and caught up while you tried to show off yourself to me.  i had to be home because it was getting late and so i said bye, but we kept sort of lingering around. finally we separated and looked at each other while going out into the distance. le sigh, probably one of the most cute and realistic dreams i've had in a very log time. keep em' coming because my mind needs to wander elsewhere

ARCTIC MONKEYS - 04 - The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala [Live @ BBC Radio 1...

ive been following them since the first album back in 2006 wow

the new album Suck It an See is amazing

Not Fade Away | Florence + The Machine

but i'm not the angry type

and finally i am starting feel that sort of feel towards someone, it's more of a big dislike. he disappointed me and i feel like whenever he contacts me, he thinks it's all good. so long as he's thinking about someone else, i will not give him any chances, all of that has been pretty much thrown out the window and i want nothing more than to be acquaintances, i could never be his friend and although and i don't mind seeing him every once in a while or hanging out, i know he's lying to me and i'll just set myself up for disappointment in the end because all i ever am going to want is him. Frankly i'm learning to move on and i'm learning to not see him with that hopefulness i used to have.i feel so much better about myself and i like realizing that i don't need him, but it just throws me off when he contacts me because i know he doesn't want me that way. i like him less and less every day. keeping myself busy has been working so much

Mighty Mike's boots: Bob Marley Vs. The Cure

Mighty Mike's boots: Bob Marley Vs. The Cure: "Waiting in Heaven (right-click to download) instrumental : Bob Marley - Waiting in vain acapella : The Cure - Just like Heaven Cover art ..."

LOLOL the picture. but i don't think the mash up is too bad!

my new muse

they're wonderful and have easily become a favorite of mine now, better late than never right
check out their albums no.1 no.2, no.3, kills, all worth the listen!

they make me feel in love or whatever it is you feel when something takes you by the soul and showers it with kindness. cheesy ;)

my comfort zone

i exceeded that zone and had a blast on thursday. i felt like a teenager in lust thursday night and it was so cute, nothing serious but this guy was tall dark and handsome. he was beautiful. In all honesty if i had not had so much to drink i would have never even gotten enough courage to talk to him. Me being plus sized and him a thin, fit, handsome soccer player. oh that got me and his Portuguese accent, but he was mexican, just a bit awkward yet nonetheless attractive.

see, when i drink i become very friendly (not that i'm not already) so i'm super friendly and if i'm comfortable enough with you, i'll kiss you, a quick smooch, despite your gender, but if you're taken, i stay away, unless you're my girl friends.

we (my brother and i) got to our friends grad party and we just ate, talked, but i spotted this cute guy. 'Tall, dark, and handsome, with a smile that could kill', i thought to myself. So naturally i didn't think anything of it besides i thought he might have had a girlfriend naturally. Later that night we started playing drinking games with the whole gang. my brother was going to initially drive, but he decided taking 7 shots was fine and that it wouldn't lead to a drunken rampage of who would vomit first. He won! i told him to stop. he did and so i started drinking, but he didn't 15 min later, which i took into consideration, but miserably failed.

i took the shot for him (the handsome one) because he seemed gone and he thought i needed more because i had only had one. about 6 shots later i realize he's grabbing my face and kisses me. boyyy was it cute. we kiss again. i felt like a teenager and he grabs my hand and takes me to the restroom, but i thought he just wanted company, little did i know it was more than that. things seems to become a blur a minute later, but i do remember him just taking my jacket off, wanting to rip it off or something. i remember freaking out and saying, "were not having sex" ahahah. and we pretty much made out and acted like a couple of drunk teenagers on a hot summer night. the rest is a blur, but i do remember helping him out when he started feeling sick. 

he might not remember and i may not remember a big chunk, but i'm single and it was fun. helps me forget about other things and it's about time i have fun and get out there, just not in a drunken state. if i ever see him again, i'll run the other way lol.

might this be what i missed out on all of high school and some of jc?

sidenote; i dont drink too often and consider myself more of a social drinker, but sometimes you gotta give in and have some fun.

how am i doin'

i seem to depress myself by thinking about things i shouldn't be; about stupid things, things i think i could fix. Before it seemed possible, but now...in all seriousness it's all been thrown out the window. it really sucks how badly bruised one person can leave you and believe me, i fight to get through this and i am, but i have those relapse moments where i just think about how bad it was, i appreciate the good times, but the bad does overpower and i really just want it to go away. sometimes i think that if i cut out all the technology and friends out of my life and just spend my time home and working i will be fine, but i wont. Not until i find something that overpowers the way i feel about life and about boys.

as childish as this may seem, having a male companion to count on would help my situation so much, but i'm not to go looking for one. i'm not the type that feels the need to have one by my side all day everyday. If anything, i'm quite the opposite, i love being alone and having my space, but after finding out how beautiful it is to have that someone there, i really wouldn't mind having it again. one problem: TRUST.

how do i know i will able to trust the next guy? i won't. things like that just can't be predicted. it sort of sucks how the good girls always seem to find the worst partners, but there are those lucky ones out there as well. i'm worried about meeting the next person and him not accepting me, i'm not sure why, but it's a personal belief that i think it's weird that men are even attracted to me. it blows me away. i'm told it's because i'm mature, intelligent and i'm just really cool and laid back. they say i've also got spunk, but it's so difficult for me to see any of this. of course my girls always say ' you're beautiful!" c'mon now, every girl says that to her friend despite anything. in all honesty i dont show it all, ever, i actually always seem the way my girls describe me, but when it comes to it deep down i'm self-conscious, awkward, and worrisome when first meeting anyone that seems interested. i am quirky, silly, and become my comfortable normal self once i've accepted the other, but i'm afraid of not finding someone who i can be that with. haven't found them yet, i tell myself i am not looking, but aren't we always? subconsciously we wish to stumble upon that person that will make everything so much better for us and i am no exception.

like i said, i'm not searching for it in every corner like a few of my desperate friends are.

the future?

i think if this while having an iced tea lemonade and it all seems like a refreshing thing to think about. this might be a little bit of what i want.

as far as my career path; i want to be something in the arts field. maybe i'll end up being an art teacher, but i don't feel capable of teaching a class, even though i do have good communication and social skills, but you never know right?

i would not mind living in a dingy apartment, as long as my payments get in on time, but if i had a good job then i wouldn't mind having a large one floor home with a small front yard and a huge backyard, with a white picket fence. (seems like everyone or at least every girl wants one of those) another thing is a nice outdoor deck, maybe somewhere near the beach (maybe) but i want to feel that i'm surrounded by nature and feel like i'm in sort of garden, so maybe the beach doesn't work at the point, but i do LOVE the beach. somewhere i can breathe and let my imagination juices flow, somewhere i can set up my canvas' and paints, so that any day i felt like painting i could just make my back yard my model. i want a lush backyard and animals; big dogs and couple small ones, a cat or  two, a horse if i could and a couple of love birds.  i want them to have space to roam and feel free in to be themselves. i'd also like that space for the children that i might have (IF i have any) and of course i want to have somone by my side, if not then i'll still be happy. i want to have very good wine to enjoy a glass or two every night while i look up at the night sky or stare at the rain falling down.
along with this fantasy i want to travel europe before i turn 27 and finish my graduate studies in whatever i do, in another country,

bridesmaids

was overall a pretty gosh darn good movie,  thought it was hilarious and and if you're into raunchiness and pretty much a female cast just like the hangover, you'll love this.

but the police officer in the movie was so cute, awkward and irish lol! ever since watching p.s. i love you, i had always wanted to meet a nice irishman; accent and all. i think the day i do, i'll freaggin melt right in front of him. Unless i'm with someone i've already fallen in love with of course. but that's a fantasy of mine i guess you could say

the fiance's sister is so funny! i think she shined over all of them, she's just goofy and raunchy and everything i could never be, i could never say shit like she does in the movie.

as a matter of fact, i think i'm going to watch it again.

i've found it, but

but i can't seem to get myself to want to show my next painting. it feels all too personal the more i keep painting and in all honesty i don't know. I've had this painting in mind for the past year and a half, maybe even two years. When i had gone to the brewery art walk in los angeles there was a scar painting exhibition in one of the lofts. it was awesome and one of my favorite. Now, since i have an enormous burn that covers most of my back, john and i started talking about me doing something like that and well since then is when i had this idea.

finally i worked the courage up to do this idea and i really wanted to start it, but i was scared, still i went ahead and got a 32x48 canvas. i quickly outlined and sketched my own figure portrait and for the longest time i left it there on the easel, just sitting there. i swear i feel like was disowning that canvas because i was too afraid to start it, afraid it may not be good enough or that i would embarrass myself with it because it's so unbelievably personal to me. I've chosen that one to be my final project for painting class and my teacher was kind enough to tell me i don't have to, but he does want me to finish it because it's so new for me and he's like to see it done.

when i started putting paint onto the canvas i started to see it evolve into something that i was so excited bout, i didn't even care anymore about what people thought. I was extremely happy with how it was turning out and i still am, but the more i paint and the more it develops, the more nervous i become, the more...'naked' i feel. i'm having  hard time deciding wether or not i want to show it to my peers. as silly as this may sound, i'm scared as hell, it's the most vulnerable i've been with my work.

Fallulah: I Lay My Head

Fallulah: I Lay My Head

suck on this baby, it's great!

iamamiwhoami: ;john

iamamiwhoami: ;john

tell me what's a happenin'

i had the quiet the amazing time on thursday night. i went to the downtown artwalk and later headed off to club rock it in pomona with a few of my friends. i got a little wasted and danced with some randome cute guy all night but, things got a little out of hand with him, he was constantly trying to reach for my breasts (might add they're quite small and it just made me laugh lol) but he eventually got the idea when i would grab his arms and push them away and we kept dancing, next thing i know he's trying to kiss me, he was cute and a great dancer, but man oh man that was a bit much..again he got the idea we just danced the rest of the night. it was awesome though and after that i ended up having a good time with everyone and everyone had a great time as well! might add a friend came out to us....we were more than thrilled!

now friday i went to lunch with andy and mario, although i got a ticket for waiting for them in a no parking disabled area, i still had a lovely time. then saturday morning at 3am i get a call from andy, he's wasted at a party and he just doesn't want to be there at all anymore. i pick him up (he's lucky i was able to) and he doesn't want me to leave yet or drop him off yet so we head off to denny's to have some breakfast. he was being so kind and saying things he wouldn't say, that he's only happy with me. i am keeping in mind that he was drunk. i want to know why he has been wanting to hang out a lot lately, why he's contacting me so much lately. i know he can't be over her already and i don't, i DO NOT want us to happen all over again if in the end we will break up because of her. both him and her have caused me a great deal of pain and i know he's been suffering these past couple months because of her and because i'm something good he let go and because of his stupidity. i miss him, i do, but while she's on his mind i won't allow this again. it would be nice for him to tell me what he means by all of this, but i wont ask until something big happens. i'm calm and cool for now.

i dropped him off at home, gave him a hug, and a kiss not quite on the lips, but close enough.

he seemed happy.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep (Jamie xx Shuffle)

the scars of your love they leave me breathless, i can't help feeling we could have had it all.

i just really love this song and this mix is badass

treading haze

it's weird, i sort of go back and forth with my emotional state, most of the time i'm happy and content, but there times where i can't help but set myself back. I think back to everything, not only is it my ex that i think about, but a whole bunch of other things, things that others have done to me.

sometimes thing seem like a blur to me and i avoid thinking about them because i don't want to believe that they're real, that anyone would do something like that to me. it's the where the whole psychological thing comes into play.  I push back memories that i really don't want to remember to the side. i've never told anyone what it is that i remember and  i never will. It's something so disturbing that i choose to believe it didn't happen (at east i hope they didn't)

i wish i could put certain memories aside like i did to these and keep all the good ones, but then where would i learn from?

i'm slowly, but surely accepting myself as well.


my whole undecided of a path is sort of clearing up and i know i want to paint, i don't want to stop, it's my passion, if that is the thing that will keep me happy, wether i'm poor and barley getting by, i'll be happy. i want to cry at how much more happy i'v become, how everyone around me shows me it'll be fine and if i fall again, they will all be there. everyone i meet brings me some sort of happiness, i love them all so much it's unexplainable and my family of course, but my friend are the family i can really be myself around and i fucking love them for that.

i just found myself thinking about those people around me and i love them so much, even those who may not deserve my attention, they've all taught me something and have helped me when i was too scared or intimidated to do certain things. this i am most certain about.

back to my haze, it's clearing.

i'm good, i'm gone!!!

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li

YES!

Café Tacvba - Esta Vez

The Cure - How Beautiful You Are

good week

overall it was actually quite fantastic.
1. i went to the beach a couple times
2. went to urth caffe and had a devine mocha mint cup with a sticky bun ;) lol
3. visited santa monica pier for the first time
4. went out to the MusiCares Map Fund Benefit concert...god it was beyond amazing ...DAVE GAHAN was brilliant and so was martin gore!!! along with Ozomatli, janes addiction, paramore, and chester. it was amazing, thank you so much for giving me those tickets, i know how badly he wanted to go to that and for him to give them away to me was beyond what it i imagined.
5. hiking at runyon agian
6. my oldest brothers birthday dinner was fun, all of us siblings were together again having a great time, laughing, eating, drinking, talking, and remembering.
7. the party...it was nice seeing him happy, i wish it was like that for him all of the time and i hope my being there didn't bug him, although he did invite me. i wish he could just come out of that dark place, but time will tell.

i don't expect anything to happen this time around, but this whole week was amazing. it's time to settle down and get down on some hw and painting.

change

since I do all that I can exercise wise, to keep the shape I'm in, it's time to go back to the old-new eating habits. snack size portions and two legit meals. almost counting calories but indulging myself in a sweet snack every once in a while. it's almost unfair how I can not lose weight running 3 miles almost everyday and having already good eating habits and drinking tons of water.
I've just gotta pep myself up a bit.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the beach

it always makes me happy, wether i go to go, or with friends, even to cry and vent, in the end i leave happy.

herbs birthday party

it was madness and i had fun.
i was a little irresponsible and i will admit that and thank goodness nothing happened.


i talked to people i had never met, danced, celebrated, mingled, and just had an overall good time.

friends, strangers, drinks, i tried weed again, but it just isn't my thing lol.

it was one big happy family party made up of young adults

whats his face didn't end up going because of his friends, but hopefully i see him soon, he great, and then that burger i had gotten...i fell asleep on it, yep. ahaha but it wasn't because i was drunk, i had sobered up by then, i was just so tired form the night before.

luiggi's kickback was chill as well, my gaba was there and she seemed happy, but later both of us sort of got a little depressed, it passed eventually.

i swear these people bring me joy when it's needed. i adore them all

The Smiths - This Charming Man

*dancing around

Wolfmother - Vagabond

this home made one is good :)

and this song always makes me feel like anything is possible, like i'm on the right track

atta girl

blank canvas

the canvas has been sitting there, just staring back at me, i think it's because i'm afraid, maybe it's a bit too personal, but i'm getting more of a thrill now. little by little. it will be similar to my last painting, but just a different subject matter

seems as if

sometimes it gets tough, but I'm a fighter right?
I don't deserve this and I'll get it through it right?
right...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

The Cure - Please Come Home

shit. i hope my blogs become peppier within a few days

lesson

my friend said that i'm the one who was destined to teach him the lesson, do you know how bad it hurts to see him like that? i'm so torn  apart after seeing him the way i did. sure he gave me those tickets and i'm thrilled, but currently i cry. I cry at the image that is burned into my mind of his eyes, his sad eyes. His miserable appearance. I can't stand seeing him the way he is at this moment and I hadn't seen him for quite some time. 

i agree that he might deserve what he's getting right now for everything he's done, but i just sit here and cry, wanting to give him a hug and provide my comfort, but i can't and i won't. 

i feel like I can finally move on, but that image sets me back a little.

i love him, but "in a parallel universe we'd be great for each other"

it's not meant to be and i've realized that.

it's just depressing seeing him  like that

i'll cry this out

work it out

more later...

Beach House - Real Love (iTunes Session)

gives me chills and watching them live is an experience like no other

question of time

it's not like i'm waiting for anything to happen, i'm not, but now i'm all kinds of confused with whats going on. i'm okay with being there for him and i'm okay with providing some sort of moral support, but  you're sending mixed signals bud! either you do, or you don't.

i'm doing fine, i'm sane enough for this. he's not and it breaks my heart. let alone one of my closest friends is going through a hard time right now and i'm in "mama bear" mode. i love being being there for people and providing them with my love and support, i don't always seek it when i need it though.

it tears me seeing her go through this, she's such a lovely girl. i'm going to be there by her side with whatever she needs from me. she knows this. i'll be cracking jokes left and right for her

meep.

The Cranberries- Not Sorry

pure gold.

Of Monsters And Men - Love Love Love

word.

oh no, yes, you are a crook.

blog it out

now maybe i just feel hopeless and it bugs the hell out of me, but I just can't seem to help it.

im just going to rant and write things that have been on my mind, either good or bad, and just anything in between.

i feel like career wise i'm going nowhere.
my love life hasn't begun yet, which doesn't necessarily bug me, but it'd be nice to have someone by my side, everyone around has someone...i love love love seeing them all happy, but it depresses me at the same time. maybe i'm just not cut out for that ya know?

he called and says he doesn't deserve my friendship and he's right, he doesn't, but i'm not a cruel person, not like her and although he did what he did to me, i still manage to see the good in him, enough to still care and enough to still want him to find the happiness he wants. i'm alright with being acquaintances like i wrote before, but i never offered my friendship and i'm not offering it. that would be pretty unfair to me.

i'm too nice for my own good and i wish someone that got that and appreciated that would come along, it doesn't have to be now and it doesn't even have to be with the opposite sex, just anyone who would appreciate that. maybe i should become a nun? baha no

going to these 80's clubs was amazing! god i felt like i was home and was somewhere i belonged, i'll be going back for sure :)  (way to bring depeche mode in there lol) and the curse was amazing, i wasn't worried about anything, if anything it would have been nice running into him, but i honestly didn't end up caring about that.

my spring break is coming to an end and tonight i'm going out regardless, i dont care if i have to go out alone, i'm out tonight and tomorrow it's hw crunch time.

ps- i love you, those who are there for me and those who appreciate me.

new york in about 2 months!