these last few days have been exhausting and frankly i don't know why. i've been trying to study and paint, but that's not much to make me so darn tired.
my eyes burn from the lack of seep, but that's usually not the case.
my body is sore, i've been trying to tone up up my figure. i'm a thick girl, but i'm really active. i jog everyday and eat fine with the occasional treat, but i guess my biology is just different. either way, i'm happy where i'm at and it can only get better from here, with a few downfalls. i'm so happy my legs are toning up agin and i can feel it on my back as well as my tummy.
i think i just need more sleep and as far as the boy scene, i'm going with the flow, but no particular person, i'm having a blast right now and today was just a beautiful day.
i took in the nature surrounding me, the sounds of kids playing and bikes passing me by. the smell of the grass and the cool breeze under the tree's shade while my legs soaked in some sun. it was delicious and i cherish these moments more than ever. it would be nice to share with someone, but that will happen later.
it gets me through a lot even though it puts me through a lot.
he emailed me. and sadly yes i do miss him also, but maybe it's just the idea of who he can be. i miss that person, the one that would write me a letter everyone in a while, the one i had inspired to do a thing or two. it all changed though.
but again, all of this tired me out. the waiting, the putting up with his problems, and most of all loving someone who just simply can't.
we're both better off, but maybe things will work in his favor and he'll be fine, i wish him the best of luck and who knows maybe we will run into each other in the future.
SWAP!
i went on a date or was it a hangout? either way it was nice. we watched sucker punch, which was an awesome movie, i recommend it!
like i was telling my friend...going on a date to me still feels like i would be cheating on someone, but i'm not with him anymore. he helped me to realize that i have all the right in the world to be a free woman and date as many men s i'd like. which made me giggle (while we had some jager)
that i shouldn't feel bad at all and he's right i shouldn't.
this guy was great, he's awkward, funny, and blunt yet interesting. i like hearing his voice, it sort of reminds me of a radio show host. and he compliments me like im the most beautiful thing out there, it's mind-blowing! i just wish we would have had a bit more time together and more to talk about. it's was a good first date and although it shouldn't be the answer, this does help me put him aside and away from my mind.
she was in fact pregnant, but the puppies didn't make it and it brings me to tears that they didn't. Maybe she would have died instead of them, but i'll miss them. i named one Susie and the other Tom. they were precious, i feel like we were vigilant enough and if someone would have been home they would have survived, but we dont know if they spike did anything to them. I feel so bad for nala, her instincts as a mother were so sad to watch...i can't.
it feels like its been an unbelievable journey for me and i know it's just the beginning. i've been through so much, both good and bad. my mind and heart ache yet slowly but surely they're recuperating and i'm feeling oh so good. Life goes on right?
he's great and i'm just getting to the know em, wether or not i should accept the invitation to hang out is a big deal to me because i just don't know if i'm ready and his intentions seem quite clear. he's 4 yrs older than i and frankly seems mature with just the right amount of playfulness and well there isn't much i know about him, but i'd love to get to know him...again, that scares me. I don't know if i can grow to trust someone anymore or become comfortable with them. i guess i'll just have to wait and see how this all plays out.
it's funny, my 60+ yr old friend and classmate suggests that i "test the waters out more" i havent told him much about my past year, but he can tell, he's such a sweetheart.
overall: im goooooooood
ah yes, the call, even though it was a simple 'oh she loves this song, ill call her during?' sort of call, i thought it was going to have me feeling alll kinds of crazies, but it didn't! i genuinely enjoyed it and am not bothered, im glad. this was it:
god, if there is one... I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG! when the curse played it...it was unbelievable, i just soaked it all in.
i'm listening to arcade fire's Wake Up while writing this.
it's not that i've been crying, not at all actually, but i do feel like it right now at this very moment. i shouldn't shed a tear over someone who won't shed one for me, as cliche as that sounds.
something that has been helping a lot lately is hanging out and planning things, and especially painting.
one more: is getting to know someone else. i have no intentions on beginning a new relationship with someone, but my intentions could be wrong. I don't want it to feel like i need someone to help me forget because i don't, but i swear he couldn't have come by at a better time. he seems like a great guy, but i could be wrong. obviously i haven't forgotten about him, but i should push his image aside and our memories so i can focus on what's right for me. back to the new guy, he's so awkward and i love it when guys are like that, its adorable. he's invited me to a party and to hang out soon, i still don't know what to answer him, but i wouldn't mind having a drink or two and a bite to eat with him.
now my boys: haha! they crack me up and make me happy. even these assholes know i can do better. im so thankful for them and of course the girls.
once i again i find myself at the coffee shop enjoying a caramel frapp and in the meantime i listen to Adele- Best For Last. I swear to you i have been listening to this woman non stop, she's my other dolores!
i swear to fucking whatever, god? anyway i swear i relate to both of her albums, i'm so excited for the next one already. i just honestly find her so soulful and relatable, so real. so many artists do this to me, but for now it's just her.
on the other side of things...i feel better today, everyday i feel better, much better, like i did before. It seems as though everything is going to be alright and although i do miss him terribly, it just can't.
i've been gettin behind on my studies, but i'm catching up now, im focused and ready. Mark my words, two years and i'm gone. How can i forget NEWY YORK THIS SUMMER!!!!!
its time for me to be selfish, I'm nice to everyone all of the time. that's just how I am, but I'm just getting the ball rolling on my womanhood and frankly i think I'm just gonna have fun now. let loose (not too loose...sickos :p) and enjoy it!
I wish things would work, but were better off without each other. miss you and love you, maybe we'll give it a try in the far future, maybe not.
every time he gives me a ring, it's not that i get nervous, but more of...i'm not entirely sure what it is, but it makes me a little uncomfortable.
he's such a great person and he was my first kiss. such a minor thing a kiss might have been for him... it's absolutely mind blowing that he still cares so much and likes to make sure i'm doing alright.
i'm not sure what it is, but i think i worry about what could happen between us.
even though we never were in a relationship we were close to one and then i met someone else and he started acting weird once things were getting serious between him and I so i steered away.
im afraid of getting into deep with him i guess and i'm feeling confident enough to date someone else, but not him. Not him. I want him to be around longer and i want to keep him as a close friend, although we haven't hung out in over a year. we call sometimes, but i just don't want to ruin what we have with a relationship.
as much as you may not expect it, you mean a lot to me.
i sit here in bed at 6:26 am. Still waiting for my alarm clock to go off.
i woke up and feel okay, i don't know what it is, but i really feel ok this time. I think I was growing apart from him towards the end and and that's what helped me. i fell in love and i probably always will no matter what, but i saw i didn't deserve the way he treated and now that i look back at all signs...wow, i can't even begin how many there were. ditching me, ignoring me, being rude, assuming things were already done, saying "you're just a distraction." that was a low blow.
i think it's happened so many times now that i'm becoming immune to it, although it did hurt, i see it clearly this time. you know, i wouldn't mind meeting up with him and talking about what happened, but i won't mention it, i don't really care anymore.
i think too much sometimes and that's why, the way i think about these situations and the way feel about them change so easily, i try making sense of them.
I finally have.
i've moved my curtains and my room seems brighter, so does my life.
I do not have any sort of hope left in me concerning him and i will not waste my time worrying anymore, i can do so so so much better.
It's going to be a beautiful day, spring makes all the difference.
I can breathe!
lately i've been listening to Mazzy Star's "So tonight that i might see" album
well, i sit here at a starbucks doing some homework, listening to Thoreau's "civil disobedience". i was too lazy to read it on my own so i found an audio of it and honestly i was bored to death with it, but five minutes...it started to become more and more interesting. he was in the higher ranks of the government and still thought that things should have been different and the government was being unfair.
anyway not having to do with henry, i sit here typing away and becoming distracted, i find myself finding things to do to keep my mind busy. it's not easy, but when i do i forget about most things. Now i listen to the cranberries. i can't even emphasize how much they mean to me. while i listen to her, to them, i think about my day, it had been a little awkward with not seeing any part o f him, but i feel good. i don't have to worry about anything happening because i find myself detached from something that wasn't going to work out.
do you want to know what scares me? not finding someone i can be comfortable with, sadly i was feeling that and bringing my wall down and sadly it's gone now. it's been some of my most depressing times, but i've learned, this isn't going to be only time i fall in love, i guess i just wait now, have fun while i do. enjoy my family, friends, and school. Then maybe will i meet someone else, someone who is respectful, fun, and will whole heartedly adore me. This past relationship was nice and all, but it was not sincere or at least it didn't feel like it, fun, but not sincere.
i think he treated strangers better than he treated me sometimes.
funny, i find myself writing more blogs than i do writing my actual essays, i feel like this helps me get everything off of my chest and breathe. Getting away from home does to, going to the beach does also and i really miss it. i'll probably end up going sometime this week in hopes that it doesn't rain like its forecasted to.
but anyway i think my thoughts have run off everywhere, 5 second attention span, not just mine, but yours too :)
oh look a bird!
enjoy this song. it pretty much sums it all up and exactly what i felt.
because even though there are massive amounts of people surrounding me, i feel alone.
and listening to dolores sing doesn't help much either, but it's an escape. her voice, it soothes me, depresses me and soothes me. i feel like she wrote most of her music for me, granted i'm about the same age she was when she wrote these songs.
god im so selfish, here i am moping over a stupid relationship and yet there are thousands of families seeking for their loved one's in japan. i apologize in advance, i have to get these things out of my psyche somehow, but i the whole japan incident, it broke my heart, seeing those images made me cry.
i'm so harmless, no wonder i'm brought down so easily.
i wish i had an older sister that understood me, i spent all day sunday in bed, and today i woke up late, missed an interview (rescheduled it), but that really shouldn't happen at all, this will be the last time.
im going to be in worst state, i can feel it, i'm going back to that dark place. all i can do now is cry, cry it out. Cry it out until i feel i'm all cried out. funny, i really loved him this time, i never said it, but it sucks he didn't see that.
head throbs, my eyes have been overflowing every second i spend alone, or everytime i think about it. My eyes are swollen. I feel so weak.
i know i spelled it wrong, it's the title of a movie i recently watched and i highly recommend it.
nothing to do with that movie but i had an amazing weekend, aside from the obvious. and this is how it went:
thursday night: i went to the downtown artwalk with the old group of us, the original art society members, god it was fun. we had a bit to drink, walked around downtown la and looked at some art work, took pictures, cracked jokes, laughed and smiled. then we went off and had some delicious ramen. i came back home and went off to my enemy's enemy i believe it was. the band had a gig, too bad I wont be seeing them anytime soon. i really loved them.
friday night: i saw my lovely nephew and then went to improv, it was hilarious. great time.
saturday night: was amazing; headed off to a baptism party and laughed with all "brothers" and i might just have a hookup for an art showcase :) then after that i headed off to a friends birthday party. it was a blast! i was so happy to have hung out with those girls again, their drunk butts were hilarious, i danced, played some pong, took some shots, and just chilled. "mardi gras" theme, let's just say there were many breasts involved. then i met someone. we conversed and had a drink or two together, he was great, but i don't think it was a big deal. i guess in that moment i felt that HE was not the only guy n this world, before that it seemed like he was right for me, but boy was i wrong. anyway the guy at the party...i got his number, i don't think i was flirting, but then again we never realize when we do. i won't be texting him or calling, but it's nice to feel that i have some sort of game. i danced a little more with the girls, had a bit more to drink then left, knowing the party was just beginning. all in all it was an amazing time.
early sunday morning: for some reason sundays aren't my best days. but it will pass. made a decision and im sticking to it.
deja de estar jodiendo me estas enfadando. es una cosa dar ayuda, pero meterse en mi problema como si lo conoces es otra (yo ni te conozco!), deja de fastidiar.
he really fucked it up this time. I'm emotionally drained and messed up, he thinks he's the only person that suffers and doesn't apologize. so immature and selfish. I did my best and gave you all, yet i still get the worst end of the deal and she gets the best. fuck you fuck you fuck you. i wish i could slap you.
i'll drown in my sorrows for a good few days, but i'll be fine after that, i need to realize im fucking amazing and can do better.
we've started this "thing" all over again and weve been at it for a few months and i wonder if i should just give up. Don't get me wrong, things are quite alright, but i know he suffers emotionally and psychologically, I can tell when he's all messed up. It's not because i assume, but because i see it in your eyes and i feel it. I so badly want this to work out, but when i'm alone and start to thinking about everything thoroughly, everything seems wrong. i adore hanging out with him and i adore the the times we have, but sometimes they don't feel sincere and his feelings don't seem it either. He does show that he cares because...
