Wednesday, December 29, 2010
falling slowly
love is a decision you choose to make with somebody.
I don't know if I'll ever really mean it nor will you.
this morning was lovely, it was interesting, nice. it felt too natural, I adore those times and I hope next year is better than the last. it seems as though we could last but things come up that ruin us. I've given you another chance, don't screw up please.
I beg of you to not lie again, if you're not willing then stop this now.
So much shit I've received for this from others, but here I am for you, even after all thats been done, why? because I care too god damn much about you. I believe we can be great. if you don't then it won't work out.
I don't know if I'll ever really mean it nor will you.
this morning was lovely, it was interesting, nice. it felt too natural, I adore those times and I hope next year is better than the last. it seems as though we could last but things come up that ruin us. I've given you another chance, don't screw up please.
I beg of you to not lie again, if you're not willing then stop this now.
So much shit I've received for this from others, but here I am for you, even after all thats been done, why? because I care too god damn much about you. I believe we can be great. if you don't then it won't work out.
Monday, December 27, 2010
I have forgiven jesus
well I don't really believe, but it makes for a good title :)
moz moz moz
I have forgiven you, I haven't told you face to face, but intend to. although all of those nasty things happened, I'm still willing and I still think I can show you how you can be happy.
I'm too good of a person for my own sake and I believe in the good ( almost put hood) of everyone.
moz moz moz
I have forgiven you, I haven't told you face to face, but intend to. although all of those nasty things happened, I'm still willing and I still think I can show you how you can be happy.
I'm too good of a person for my own sake and I believe in the good ( almost put hood) of everyone.
things n' stuff
that was completely unexpected. don't get me wrong, I had an amazing time and what I would give to spend more time together, but it scares me. I don't know where this is headed, I know where I want it to head, but I don't know what you want. things are so unclear and I'm so confused and I'd like it if I was told straight out what you meant by today.
it was lovely though. THAT was lovely.
I just hope you know that I'm not any other girl, I'm not like all of them more specifically her.
it was lovely though. THAT was lovely.
I just hope you know that I'm not any other girl, I'm not like all of them more specifically her.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas
I'm happy, I'm afraid I wont be for long.
Went to amoeba for a few stocking stuffers and just to hang around. i had a lovely time and i honestly don't want to make out more of it than i can handle.
last night/ this morning was lovely, like old times, i knew you wouldn't remember, but falling asleep like that was adorable.
I'm just going with flow now.
Presents! i never expect anything, but i did get my doc martens i had been wanting for quite the while, a long sleeve striped sweater, and a jackets (very warm) :) I can't forget the poster, the poster! uh I love it!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
once
Once again I hope this doesn't happen.
Once- one of my favorite movies, it features the swell season, but I've fallen in love with glen and his music. actually I've been listening to him/them/her the past year constantly.
they're so fucking powerful together.
beach house next year! I'm stoked to go with Michelle. she's a friend who's always going to hold a special place with me as long as I live. as do others.
New York this coming summer! I'm super excited. Derrick and I are definitely going. Analisa may as well, she's another who holds a place.
I never want to lose touch with these girls, never. including gaba.
I want to see us all grow. we're all going our separate ways, but always manage to see each other and when we do it's pure mayhem! lol. I love them all. It's funny I've got a special friendship with all of them, but it's different with each and every single one of them.
they're going to be here for me and I like always, will always be here for them. even if the years pass by and you need me, I'm here.
Once- one of my favorite movies, it features the swell season, but I've fallen in love with glen and his music. actually I've been listening to him/them/her the past year constantly.
they're so fucking powerful together.
beach house next year! I'm stoked to go with Michelle. she's a friend who's always going to hold a special place with me as long as I live. as do others.
New York this coming summer! I'm super excited. Derrick and I are definitely going. Analisa may as well, she's another who holds a place.
I never want to lose touch with these girls, never. including gaba.
I want to see us all grow. we're all going our separate ways, but always manage to see each other and when we do it's pure mayhem! lol. I love them all. It's funny I've got a special friendship with all of them, but it's different with each and every single one of them.
they're going to be here for me and I like always, will always be here for them. even if the years pass by and you need me, I'm here.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
soul mate
I know I haven't found him yet ( could be a girl, you never know), but I prefer him.
as young as I am, I like the idea of settling down. Having a family and making a life together. it's not something I want right now, but I would like this before Im 33ish.
It bothers me that I won't find that person, the one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Then again, I could find him tomorrow and bump into him, or I find him in New York this summer. Or find him when I'm 60 or 80 years of age. it's scary.
Being scared about this is so childish, but I don't want to be alone, I want to grow old with someone. watch the sunset and sunrise everyday, appreciate nature, life, and everything in between. I miss feeling like someone needed me, I miss feeling that someone loved me.
what if he's 30 years my major? what if he's 5 years my minor? I don't know this. love doesn't have an age, it doesn't have restrictions.
There are a few people I find myself compatible with; maybe I worthy of their attention and me feeling comfortable with. Yet I always compare or they're taken with a poor relationship.
I don't want a loveless relationship or a temper filled one.
I want someone I can confide in, trust, be silly with and make a fool of myself with, someone I can go to with problems, poke fun at, hold hands with, hurt with, be daring with, be mad at, enjoy everything there is, cry with, smile with, and love just as much I were to.
Finding love is important to me, as silly as it may seem, it is, but I don't fall in love so easily.
as young as I am, I like the idea of settling down. Having a family and making a life together. it's not something I want right now, but I would like this before Im 33ish.
It bothers me that I won't find that person, the one I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Then again, I could find him tomorrow and bump into him, or I find him in New York this summer. Or find him when I'm 60 or 80 years of age. it's scary.
Being scared about this is so childish, but I don't want to be alone, I want to grow old with someone. watch the sunset and sunrise everyday, appreciate nature, life, and everything in between. I miss feeling like someone needed me, I miss feeling that someone loved me.
what if he's 30 years my major? what if he's 5 years my minor? I don't know this. love doesn't have an age, it doesn't have restrictions.
There are a few people I find myself compatible with; maybe I worthy of their attention and me feeling comfortable with. Yet I always compare or they're taken with a poor relationship.
I don't want a loveless relationship or a temper filled one.
I want someone I can confide in, trust, be silly with and make a fool of myself with, someone I can go to with problems, poke fun at, hold hands with, hurt with, be daring with, be mad at, enjoy everything there is, cry with, smile with, and love just as much I were to.
Finding love is important to me, as silly as it may seem, it is, but I don't fall in love so easily.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
wishful thinking.
it's all a waste, to wait around. I really wish we could work out, but I know we never could, not with her around. so with this, I say my goodbye, it was great seeing you Friday and I wish we could see each other more in a more interested way. I didn't feel interested, not giddy, nor content. I know there is still something there by my part, but I've set it aside and I've blocked it out.
I know I said I wanted you to come along with me sometime this week to music hunt, but I won't even bring it up anymore. I won't send you an email because I've erased your number, nor will I ask for your number again and again.
I only want to seriously hang out if we were to be serious again. As for hanging out with a group of people and If I can be distracted by everyone else, that's fine by me, seeing you and saying hello is alright, but watching a movie or having breakfast or dinner, no. I think too much and over think things.
I can't wait around for someone. I'm so fucking young still, I've got some milage left. I hope you weren't the last.
I know I said I wanted you to come along with me sometime this week to music hunt, but I won't even bring it up anymore. I won't send you an email because I've erased your number, nor will I ask for your number again and again.
I only want to seriously hang out if we were to be serious again. As for hanging out with a group of people and If I can be distracted by everyone else, that's fine by me, seeing you and saying hello is alright, but watching a movie or having breakfast or dinner, no. I think too much and over think things.
I can't wait around for someone. I'm so fucking young still, I've got some milage left. I hope you weren't the last.
animal instinct
still I stand, warming up to you. what are your intentions? You don't understand how confused I've become. I'm not emotional, I'm not sad, I feel nothing. I'm just confused, you understand don't you? Now please clear things up for me.
Yet I know if you try anything I'm back in and I'd become weak.
in all honesty, right now I'm really ok. I'm great actually, I'm fucking happy. :)
Yet I know if you try anything I'm back in and I'd become weak.
in all honesty, right now I'm really ok. I'm great actually, I'm fucking happy. :)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
evening
I could have gone to that unknown pleasure tribute concert. god I'm so bummed about it! but maybe It'll be made up for? I highly doubt it.
I would have gone, but I got a flat, which meant no transportation. well about being around him; it's getting easier. I hope so, it seems like it is for me, but being around someone who hurt me and acting chill about it... it's a bit difficult. still sweet, still cool, still a flirt(always will be), still him. but there's that other side. the darker side? I don't know, but I'm more comfortable now. if he's up for another shot, the hell with it, why not?!
but in all honesty I could be more calm about this than I know. I just feel at ease, cool. I'm feeling great actually. just don't tamper with me.
what's his face... he's so, ahh! He makes me smile :))
if he ever becomes single and I am too... sign me up!
I hope all is well with ya.
I'm too caring sometimes, but I just don't like seeing others sad.
and I got invite to go to a smiths dance night tomorrow at the echo. sadly I cannot make it :(
I feel like dancing and having a great time! (when don't I?) if I would have gone...I don't think I'd make it to my 630am anthropology final. lol.
I would have gone, but I got a flat, which meant no transportation. well about being around him; it's getting easier. I hope so, it seems like it is for me, but being around someone who hurt me and acting chill about it... it's a bit difficult. still sweet, still cool, still a flirt(always will be), still him. but there's that other side. the darker side? I don't know, but I'm more comfortable now. if he's up for another shot, the hell with it, why not?!
but in all honesty I could be more calm about this than I know. I just feel at ease, cool. I'm feeling great actually. just don't tamper with me.
what's his face... he's so, ahh! He makes me smile :))
if he ever becomes single and I am too... sign me up!
I hope all is well with ya.
I'm too caring sometimes, but I just don't like seeing others sad.
and I got invite to go to a smiths dance night tomorrow at the echo. sadly I cannot make it :(
I feel like dancing and having a great time! (when don't I?) if I would have gone...I don't think I'd make it to my 630am anthropology final. lol.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
art show
it went so well! I had such an amazing time. music art and friends. I need this night to happen! I loved it.
I've been enjoying myself and I'm thankful.
I really hit it off with what's his face, I still can't get over that, yet I'm not surprised, such a charming man and hilarious!
Later I saw blah blah, it was awkward, I felt that he felt awkward so that's why I was awkward, I wish he'd be more direct. time will tell where this is all headed.
"he's no good for you."
:}
I've been enjoying myself and I'm thankful.
I really hit it off with what's his face, I still can't get over that, yet I'm not surprised, such a charming man and hilarious!
Later I saw blah blah, it was awkward, I felt that he felt awkward so that's why I was awkward, I wish he'd be more direct. time will tell where this is all headed.
"he's no good for you."
:}
passion pit
such a lovely name. so many lively people, except for the crazy ass drunks who were trying to mosh. never have I moshed, but I can assure you I pushed them back. I'm a tough one.
I swear I've never pushed someone so hard, but he was getting so annoying I just gave it my all so he would leave. then he tries to be nice, then it's back to moshing.
well I just pushed, shoved and danced the night away. it was amazing.
then we had some buttermilk goodness for an early breakfast at the dennys diner. lovely night.
these past couple days have changed me. I can feel it.
I swear I've never pushed someone so hard, but he was getting so annoying I just gave it my all so he would leave. then he tries to be nice, then it's back to moshing.
well I just pushed, shoved and danced the night away. it was amazing.
then we had some buttermilk goodness for an early breakfast at the dennys diner. lovely night.
these past couple days have changed me. I can feel it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
du hast
http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?xl=xl_blazer&v=fLp63WBV-Ic
this makes me giggle. great song though.
this makes me giggle. great song though.
change
I'm always thinking about different situations. thinking them through, analyzing. I think this hurts me sometimes, but opens my eyes up at the same time.
gosh I wish you were single man; older men...I'm taking notice in older men. wow.
gosh I wish you were single man; older men...I'm taking notice in older men. wow.
daffodil lament
that's exactly how I feel. but in the end I'm ok. I'm giving this Saturday thing a shot.
not so bad
let's see...
I asked him if should stop waiting, he says yes. I decide then to stop and that sort of set me free for a day or two. I always tell myself I won't, I won't, I won't take him back. it's funny because I will.
I'm an idiot, wanting someone who doesn't want me or who doesn't care.
He has other interest with other people and that was sort of a slap on the face. l did already suspect that, but then again I also have a couple other people I'm interested in, so I guess I'm a hypocrite.
but why invite me to a concert, yes I know I invited him to my show, but it's more of a hello and goodbye sort of deal. At a concert, you're there for a few hours with a person or a group of people; I can't do that with him. not when were nothing, I cant b his friend either, never, I feel like were strangers in the night. glancing at each other... knowing the possibility that something could be there, but not knowing wether things will work out or not.
know you're giving me hope, don't. you don't deserve this attention, but I'm giving it to you either way. I'm fucking stupid.
Yet I don't want to let you go, why? because I know I can show you what love is. I think I cared more about you than any other person, sadly you didn't see that.
I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, it's more of an ansy feeling.
overall I'm great, I'm happy, but I'd like to be happy with you or if there is someone out there for me...come to me soon, I'd like to meet you. or come back to me if I already have. I need to learn to trust someone with my heart again, to allow someone back in because these walls get higher and higher every time I'm let down.
I need to go to the beach; watch an early sunrise again.
I asked him if should stop waiting, he says yes. I decide then to stop and that sort of set me free for a day or two. I always tell myself I won't, I won't, I won't take him back. it's funny because I will.
I'm an idiot, wanting someone who doesn't want me or who doesn't care.
He has other interest with other people and that was sort of a slap on the face. l did already suspect that, but then again I also have a couple other people I'm interested in, so I guess I'm a hypocrite.
but why invite me to a concert, yes I know I invited him to my show, but it's more of a hello and goodbye sort of deal. At a concert, you're there for a few hours with a person or a group of people; I can't do that with him. not when were nothing, I cant b his friend either, never, I feel like were strangers in the night. glancing at each other... knowing the possibility that something could be there, but not knowing wether things will work out or not.
know you're giving me hope, don't. you don't deserve this attention, but I'm giving it to you either way. I'm fucking stupid.
Yet I don't want to let you go, why? because I know I can show you what love is. I think I cared more about you than any other person, sadly you didn't see that.
I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, it's more of an ansy feeling.
overall I'm great, I'm happy, but I'd like to be happy with you or if there is someone out there for me...come to me soon, I'd like to meet you. or come back to me if I already have. I need to learn to trust someone with my heart again, to allow someone back in because these walls get higher and higher every time I'm let down.
I need to go to the beach; watch an early sunrise again.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
decisions
I honestly hope you mean well. I don't want false hopes, well at the moment I don't expect anything.
it seems like everything is happening all at once for me. in the relationship area for example, all in a course of one year; I had my first kiss, first boyfriend and later sex. I've fallen in love, I was broken and lied to. this was so much to take in and I don't know if I'm ready for any of this again. Frankly I didn't deserve any of it. it's funny how things work out.
I've had the pleasure of being asked out by a few guys, but I had to decline; none of them interest me in "that" way. 1: he's just so cool, same music interest and we play bicker all of the time. 2: haha this guy, too homie for me, super cool though! we pick at him for his choloness. then there is 3: he's adorable, he's the sweetest and I'm bewildered he would be interested in a full figured gal like me. he's a tiny fit guy, good looking as well. But I just can't.
I catch myself flirting and I just think it's nature to. if 4 wouldn't have had a girlfriend I think there could have been something, but once again; he much too old for me, yet I can't over his coolness and his adorable laugh.
then there's YOU. you. I've been doing so great! you hurt me, I'll never forget that, but I'm trying to, well I really don't know what I'm trying to do. I want to know what his deal is. why talk to me? better yet, why did I agree to see him. I can't take him seriously at all, not if I think Liz is still in the picture. she fucks it all up and he does too when they combine. I fucking hate that girl. now you, I still have a bit of anger, but I'm too nice of a person to hate him,I'm still a bit disgusted, you've done so much in so little time that it would take so much for me to trust you again. I don't know what your intentions are, but I can't be friends and as crazy as it may seem, I would take you back. I'm an idiot. I fell in love with someone who loves another. how do I know that his "I love you" was real? I'd like to know the truth.
I'm not as hung up as I thought I would be and maybe this is a good thing.
I'm not looking for anything right now, but if you provoke it, you provoke hope, you provoke a relationship. I'm afraid of you and I'm afraid of you hurting me again.
so if you'd like to stay single, then tell me now. now.
I hate my lenient personality.
overall; it'd be nice to have you all. your mind, your body and soul, but I ca do without if you plan on hurting me again.
paintings are better than ever, I find myself changing my style a bit,but funny how my juiciness is still shown. lol.
I'm having fun.
it seems like everything is happening all at once for me. in the relationship area for example, all in a course of one year; I had my first kiss, first boyfriend and later sex. I've fallen in love, I was broken and lied to. this was so much to take in and I don't know if I'm ready for any of this again. Frankly I didn't deserve any of it. it's funny how things work out.
I've had the pleasure of being asked out by a few guys, but I had to decline; none of them interest me in "that" way. 1: he's just so cool, same music interest and we play bicker all of the time. 2: haha this guy, too homie for me, super cool though! we pick at him for his choloness. then there is 3: he's adorable, he's the sweetest and I'm bewildered he would be interested in a full figured gal like me. he's a tiny fit guy, good looking as well. But I just can't.
I catch myself flirting and I just think it's nature to. if 4 wouldn't have had a girlfriend I think there could have been something, but once again; he much too old for me, yet I can't over his coolness and his adorable laugh.
then there's YOU. you. I've been doing so great! you hurt me, I'll never forget that, but I'm trying to, well I really don't know what I'm trying to do. I want to know what his deal is. why talk to me? better yet, why did I agree to see him. I can't take him seriously at all, not if I think Liz is still in the picture. she fucks it all up and he does too when they combine. I fucking hate that girl. now you, I still have a bit of anger, but I'm too nice of a person to hate him,I'm still a bit disgusted, you've done so much in so little time that it would take so much for me to trust you again. I don't know what your intentions are, but I can't be friends and as crazy as it may seem, I would take you back. I'm an idiot. I fell in love with someone who loves another. how do I know that his "I love you" was real? I'd like to know the truth.
I'm not as hung up as I thought I would be and maybe this is a good thing.
I'm not looking for anything right now, but if you provoke it, you provoke hope, you provoke a relationship. I'm afraid of you and I'm afraid of you hurting me again.
so if you'd like to stay single, then tell me now. now.
I hate my lenient personality.
overall; it'd be nice to have you all. your mind, your body and soul, but I ca do without if you plan on hurting me again.
paintings are better than ever, I find myself changing my style a bit,but funny how my juiciness is still shown. lol.
I'm having fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)