difference is

i guess i just don't feel the same way anymore. late monday afternoon i headed off to hollywood to catch panic! at the disco on the jimmy kimmel show, but i wasn't going alone. i would not have cared if i did, still i brought my younger brother along and my ex. i had not seen him (ex) since about a month and a half ago, when  we had both agreed to randomly meet up for lunch and before that it had been a few months or something. Anyway, i felt different. picking him up from his home because he also had a ticket to go and had actually invited me to go with him, but i got a pair before he had even asked. he seemed a bit hurt by this? i don't know, it's just that when he does that puppy dog face i feel like he's dying inside and when he does things like this, remembers me and wants to take me out, it's almost like he still wants to make up for what he did. i accept invitations sometimes because i feel bad and because yes, i do miss him at times, but honestly i don't feel the same anymore towards him. why do i still accept to see him? well because i'm stronger and feel it, i'm not the stupid and naive girl in la la land that i was when i was letting him get away with so many things. He originally just wanted it to be the two of us going to PATD because he still mentioned that my brother didn't want to go, he was right, but i knew my brother was going to enjoy it and he did actually. 

he tries to keep the conversation going in the car and that's just how he is and i'd just laugh at him. if he asked me something i'd give very quick answers because i don't want to seem so friendly, like he never did anything wrong. i always seem tough when meeting up with him because i have my guard up just in case. we arrived and i loosened up a little, but still gave him cold stares whenever he mentioned things i didn't want to remember. we had a good time overall and got to see funeral party before panic! went on (bonus). he laughed, we all laughed, we talked and listened to music. this time it was different, there were times  occasionally wanted to hug him and just kiss his cheek, but it faded soon enough as the night went on. i dropped him off, said hi to his mom, he walked me out, and we hugged. i gave a patted hug. this might be ridiculous, but a patted hug is a 'pal' type of hug and i chose wisely. i like seeing him, but not often.   

this time i left fine, i don't miss him and i expect nothing from him just as he shouldn't from me.

venting much? hah