Arctic Monkeys - A Certain Romance

they're here in october!

life on the nickel

get where i'm getting at? Foster The People

i'll be seeing them in a couple weeks in santa ana! my favorite song is "I would do Anything For You" /\

the way things have been going so far are (were) a tad bit confusing, but i fixed it. i cut him out. i didn't feel anything from him and he never showed me that he really wanted this. i expect someone to fight for me and try to win me back not just let it go if i were giving up. maybe that's was made me get rid of this fantasy. i know i've done this plenty with him, where i broke up with him or things just didn't work out because of him.  frankly i wish i could say i did something wrong so i felt like he was nothing to me, but that's not me. although he's cheated on me countless times i still wanted him, but this it's almost like i needed to not feel. maybe you don't understand me, but i just wanted to feel that i felt nothing or that i was just tired of all the bullshit. this time i'm not mad, i'm just a little sad, but nothing major. i'm not crying over this and i just want to move on, i have been. i'm doing everything i was, i'm just not worrying about him and wether or not he's up to no good. he's the only i have ever been with. i'm ready for a long term relationship, but not with him. he doesn't make me feel good anymore and gosh so untrustworthy and confused he is, he's a mess. in the word of my dear friend mario, "you don't need him, you need a real mature man, not a child"(mario is gay :)) lol)  funny, i'm younger than he is, but it's sad to him waste his life away like this and i have been wasting my time being hurt and trying to work something out that could never. i doubt anyone will read this long ass life story about "the jerk" most men seem to be like him, i'm not saying all, but a good handful are. why can't they ever see past their past and realize what they have in front of them is much better, she'll walk away like i did. I walked away when i told him i was done, i didn't yell, i didn't cry,  nor ask questions about our future. just walked away with my pride and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. i think he's happier, maybe. i am, but i do miss him a little. i think i just became too comfortable with the same person for two years. it's going to be tough doing that with someone else, but i could learn. i need a 'champion'.

1st fashion fub

ok so here is an attempt at a little fashion. i am a plus size, this isn't news for you.

the dress i purchased at H&M and should be a newer addition to their dresses. I have a size L
and my wedges are from Steve Madden, which are much older. size 7.5? i believe.

avoiding my childish smile, the hair was unintentional, but i think it works. slicked back into high messy bun with my bangs in clear view


you'll be seeing my walls plenty, it's the artist in me? lol enjoy!

i'll try posting my artwork as well

Small Hours, Robert Smith, Tribute to John Martyn

this tribute is so god given wonderful. it makes me feel those things i can't explain. it's such a pretty song and it really makes me want to paint, dance near the ocean under the moonlight baring my all. brilliant

Heavy Hawaii - Suicide Summer

i first hear them about 6months ago. i felt it

Bjork-So Broken(Jools Holland 2001)

although i don't smoke, this song makes me want to sit at a small, white rusted coffee table in france, smoking a cigarette away, having a glass of fine red wine, and having my own moment of looking back. all while grinning

Florence and the Machine - Girl With One Eye (MTV)

this live version is fantastic.

and exactly the mood i'm in

stupid is as stupid does

you know when someone tries to talk and talk and talk AND TALK in order for every single little thing on their mind to be blabbed out? well sometimes they use that tactic to minimize your importance. oh this person does this to me very well, they're genius. me being calm and cool, it's like they want to rundown my   chill wall i have up, like they're trying to diminish any little chance i have at putting them in their place with my words. i understand they love doing things their own way and only their way is right is apparently, but i'd like to believe i have some sort of smart morsel left in me to decide for myself.


(certain) men and their pride are ridiculous

black dress

sometimes it feels like all I want to do is drape myself in black clothing, it's not like I feel I have something to hide or consider myself emo, it's just what I find comforting. I look far from goth, but sitting in this car, with this hot ass, humid weather in SoCal I'm second guessing my wardrobe for driving my mother around, knowing I'll have to wait in the car, I should have known better.

putting that silliness aside, it's not what I wanted to write about. I think about where everything is going and I worry. worry I won't be the head honcho of some place, be successful, or even about making my parents proud. the one thing that makes me poop my pants more than anything, is letting my parents down, especially my mom. them coming from another country and essentially sweating blood and tears for what we have today makes me feel like I should somehow do the same, but roach coaches aren't quite my thing.
so I go to school, but what if that fails?
I get a job, what if that fails?
be a starving (not striving), I wish I could I fail because then it means I'll be brilliant.

another thing would be my current relationship status, we aren't together and I like it that way, I love having a partner, don't get me wrong, but when your supposed 'other half' doesn't really feel like he/ she belongs to you, something is wrong there, no?
im a true believer in people changing, but I don't know about that anymore, at least for this guy, so should I waste my time even allowing him to win me over?
because sadly I don't feel like I did anymore, I used to be so in like, not in love, with him. there was a point where I would I say I love you, but I don't even know what love is, I look back and it doesn't seem real, from either of us. he will never love me and I don't think I could ever 100% forgive him. sounds like a breakup in the making doesn't it?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Anything Box - Jubilation

good ol' 80's

there is a new restaurant "New Wave" in my town 80's themed, i'll e having a depeche 'a la' mode tomorrow, only a little. can't wait to see how they decked it out