another year, another god damn heartbreak

what is it with this never ending cycle that falls between christmas and my birthday that ends in the destruction of something that had so much potential. well, for starters maybe it just wasn't meant to be. i always try to change the player and  we all know they never change. honestly yes, we synced quite nicely, not perfectly, but nicely. i even suggested a "take it back" approach because i got to know this individual for the past two years. he should have taken it back when he had the chance instead of leading me on. partly my fault for believing him. i made up my mind that about 90% of people are the same and we are all susceptible to not pulling through for someone who is important to us. i really love him, i do and i'd probably give him one another chance, but i cut off all communication. i'm glad i did, it makes this whole moving on thing a bit easier. did i mention i tried yoga? i did. i think i'll be doing that once a week for starters and surprisingly i wasn't too bad with my feet.

this year didn't start off quite right, although i did start it getting blatantly hammered and crying (for good reasons!!), but i can choose to screw up anytime i want just much as i can choose when to start fresh. cheers!

ps.- it was the leo agian. i stay in love with a person for a while, until i'm ready to laugh in their faces and call it off. i'm not there just yet.

there is a drumming noise

every time you present yourself to me  it's like the planets align in our favor. Take that all away and we have nothing.



Now i remember telling myself that i would one day want to have a little "fun" with a friend. i guess you cold say "friends with benefits."  i know, i know...me? doing that whole thing and not feeling guilty is quite the possibility. it's different when you decide to act upon urges with a friend who is just a friend, but when it happens with a friend who has always meant a little more to you than others...well then i think a line has been crossed when it happens. Of course i was stupid enough to do something like that and here i am...waiting for that asshole to say something, but i will admit...it's all my fault for allowing it to happen when i perfectly knew that i have always had strong feelings for him. so what do i do? i delete his number and deactivate my facebook (for other reasons, but that too) in hopes that he will notice and contact me. i'm known for drunk texting and we all know how bad that could turn out, so i'd rather not even deal with that.

or i could simply say...i'm a hopeless romantic damn it!

leo's gone

and i will not deny that it's partly my fault for not providing him enough attention, but he could have tried harder as well. it's all done now though, i fell hard for this man and am frankly still in love with him, but i learned his ways and am glad i didn't get in deep with him, but holy fuck do i miss him. parked car, in the bedroom, or just sitting drinking coffee, all we ever did was listen to the smiths, nothing ever going beyond a kiss or touch. nothing else.



i dont think i'll be pursuing a relationship with anyone anytime soon, even though i do wish i had a companion.

A Leo's charm.

So i'm completely head over heels over this bastard. I simply hate that i do adore him as much as i do, but you know when you've gone long enough dealing with childish crap that you do decide to let go. Well let me tell you, that was just me a little while ago (yesterday, last week, i don't remember). Can i simply just take a magic pill that would allow me to get rid of these feelings, you know? Maybe a little, "i don't give shit anymore" stuff? anyone? anyone? No? ok, fine. I guess i just have to deal with this drinking my stupidly delicious martini and yes, i will get drunk off of two or three of those, why? well because i simply made them consist of 95% vodka and 5% juice. Where is the olive? Doesn't make sense. Anyway, i fucking love this man with passion, wether it's a friendly love or romantic love, we know it's a passionate kind. I want him around for the rest of my life, but he's much older and frankly quite the man whore. I,unfortunately am not a whore, unless you count the only asshole i was with. No, i don't think i am. So, go me right? Partly i do believe this is my own fault because i did not show emotion or give as much contact i hould have, i am too afraid. There it is, i am too afraid. Why? because "i allow myself to think that every one man that steps his way will be just like the last asshole i was with." i found it.

Huntington Library

I finally visited Pasadena's Huntington Library. The collection overall is amazing and believe there was not enough time to cover the entire property. There are painting, sculptures, gardens, fountains, buildings. Dear God this place was like heaven and has a mystical atomosphere. It's perfect. Now i wasn't there to witness the Japanese botanical garden it's famous for because it has been under construction, but has been officially reopened since this past thursday and i will definitely be going back because i know for a fact i did not get to see it all. I want to make it a mission to visit places in la this year since i'm privileged to do so, might as well take advantage no? yes, yes i actually do go out alone and don't mind it.

girls are so emotional

i have come to a conclusion that i am ready to commit, but the lack of commitment from my partner is what stops me from wanting to commit, so i guess i'm not. scratch that i ever said i was. i like going out and not having to worry about hurting someone (which is hardly the case), but i also like having someone miss me. Someone being there to hold me by the waist and kiss me from time to time throughout the night. Instead i stand there alone with a drink in one hand and a cell phone in an other, hoping for a text or notification to distract me from all the couples around me who sway around the bar in their melancholic state. shits depressing man. as an aquarius i am known for being a lone wolf and going out and doing things on my own, which is true, i love it. Soon enough there comes a time where i begin to think that it would be nice to share all of what i am doing with someone, but i'm so young and naive, i shouldn't want to be committed to someone so badly, maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me. i hate that my entire state of mind has been preoccupied with this nonsense stuff lately. I did have my chance..i think, but i missed it and i'm in the friend zone and most likely wont be coming out of it. All i can do is smile and support our friendship along with his new found relationship. i'm still annoying myself.  it's almost as if i'm at a ridiculous pre mid life crisis.

once again

it seems that i begin to worry about the same thing every time. i'm really beginning to aggravate myself with this. I want to settle with someone. I'm not desperate to the point of accepting any man who decides to show interest in me, no. I do not work that way. If anything, I hate admitting it, but i'm beginning to feel picky when it comes to men. I did not want to admit it, but i've completely shunned the one guy who has shown that he would be up for devoting his time to me and only me. I feel terrible, but I am not ready to devote myself to one person or maybe to him. I just don't find him romantically attractive and he is trying too hard to impress me, i'm not. The aztec and i have managed to keep in contact and hang out every once in a while, spur of the moment outings. The difference now is that he is actually interested in some one else so i have a different mind set about him, still interested and find him attractive in every way possible, just not allowing my crush to ruin the friendship. A funny little thing came up while we were out one night, he asked why i had never tried to pursue him...have sex. I assured him i did and still do, but i'm not the kind to jump into something without feelings. He knows iv'e only been romantically involved with one person so allowing my barriers to deteriorate for someone that intimidates me is a really difficult thing to do. I was afraid of becoming attached and he initially said he could have a mind set that blocks all feeling out, i feel incapable of doing the same. So i think i made a smart decision. the chemistry is there, it's unbelievable, but maybe it's just an extremely special friendship thats coming out of this. we spoke of going to europe on a singles backpacking trip in about a year very briefly...i'll be damned if we're both single still, he did bring it up first, but i'm sure he'll forget by then, maybe both of us will. i'm boring myself with feelings.