sometimes it feels like all I want to do is drape myself in black clothing, it's not like I feel I have something to hide or consider myself emo, it's just what I find comforting. I look far from goth, but sitting in this car, with this hot ass, humid weather in SoCal I'm second guessing my wardrobe for driving my mother around, knowing I'll have to wait in the car, I should have known better.
putting that silliness aside, it's not what I wanted to write about. I think about where everything is going and I worry. worry I won't be the head honcho of some place, be successful, or even about making my parents proud. the one thing that makes me poop my pants more than anything, is letting my parents down, especially my mom. them coming from another country and essentially sweating blood and tears for what we have today makes me feel like I should somehow do the same, but roach coaches aren't quite my thing.
so I go to school, but what if that fails?
I get a job, what if that fails?
be a starving (not striving), I wish I could I fail because then it means I'll be brilliant.
another thing would be my current relationship status, we aren't together and I like it that way, I love having a partner, don't get me wrong, but when your supposed 'other half' doesn't really feel like he/ she belongs to you, something is wrong there, no?
im a true believer in people changing, but I don't know about that anymore, at least for this guy, so should I waste my time even allowing him to win me over?
because sadly I don't feel like I did anymore, I used to be so in like, not in love, with him. there was a point where I would I say I love you, but I don't even know what love is, I look back and it doesn't seem real, from either of us. he will never love me and I don't think I could ever 100% forgive him. sounds like a breakup in the making doesn't it?
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