dearest

so i sit here again at a coffee shop, studying the inner part of the ear and learning which scala belongs to which cavity and the function of the cochlear or what the name for each of the semicircular canals are. oh joy, but at the same i have a friend of mine who is depressed, he's a wonderful guy and lawd knows how badly he wants to find love. Bear with me because i'm going back to the emotional female part of myself, which I guess is a major part of this bog. Most of the time i'm a tomboy, don't like to show how i feel, but i do let people see my emotional side sometimes, anyway he gets me thinking again about love right? I've come across many guys lately, but they all just want one thing it seems, the obvious. Sex. Most of them have an awesome personality and we seem to click, but throw a few drinks and we start fooling around, but i won't give in. I will not, partly because it doesn't feel right to me and because i'm extremely insecure and i don't want to ruin anything. I'm somewhat glad i am not committed to anyone because it gives me the freedom to talk to anyone without feeling guilty or the freedom to kiss anyone for the hell of it, although i do choose someone that i've known for quite a while first. See, when i drink i tend to let loose (not entirely eh), not give a care, and pretend like i'm not being judged...well actually it's just regular me x10, which i have to admit I am a joy to be around and am careful with being obnoxious, you know how drunk girls get right? Back to what i was talking about, love. It'd be nice to meet that person you're meant to be with now or a few days from now, but i've been waiting 20 years, why not 20 more? too long i tell ya. The closest i have come lately to even meeting someone with potential, real potential was last friday  night, halloween party, booze is flowing, but i control  myself and get a good buzz, we're all having fun, dancing, I walk around to make sure my friends are having fun, OH! there are my two closest friends making out, OH! there goes my other friend throwing up in the rose bush that left me a few scratched that night, OH! the werewolf and minnie mouse are chatting away...we all know where that leads, and it was lovely time they all had. As did I. I paired up with a friend that night, i've known him a couple of years and he's a very sweet, sweet guy, who sort of mirrors myself, but might just be a bit shyer than I, we dance all night, i'd leave and he's go looking for me, jokingly i'd accuse him of making out with other girls, then we'd start making out in front of strangers just standing there at the party and he's my kind of kisser, rough, sweet, a little lip biting. then we all head home, but he's too drunk to drive, so he crashes at my place, i show him where, but i end up staying there to "accompany" him until he falls asleep. we did not go all the way even though there was still a good amount of alcohol in the both of us, we laughed all night, kissed here and there, talked about life, family, stupidities and anything in between until the sun rose. that's probably the closest i've felt to love than anything else, even with my ex, this is still the closest and it was nice to see the brighter side of what a relationship could be. I loved that moment in time, i'm not sad about it being over, i'm happy i got to have a taste of what that feels like. hopefully someday it'll be more than just an evening with someone just as special.



honestly, i don't know where this post went. everywhere

Asobi Seksu- In the Sky

i don't know where i heard this first, but i ran across it on my ibob earlier today and was in love all over again

Goodbye Horses - Q Lazzarus

just sink this in, wonderful

Galapaghost - Truman

he puts me at ease

he's my pleasure

when i listen to today's country i choose wisely ad i am not ashamed to love this guy, he puts on a great show and i've always loved him. this is my current obsession annnnnnddddddd

THE CUREEEEEEE Hell yesss!!! they're coming to la in november and you bet your ass i'm going.

i'm stoked. extremely stoked and loving everything.

now to leave off where i began with the Dan thing, i know it's an odd thing to say, but the fact that I am only 20 and find that he is a family man and adores his mom, makes me want him more. weird? no? No. i just really have always loved that about men, those who seem to do well their family, frankly my ex was the complete opposite and i'm not going back to that. dan is so amazing, i've known him since freshman year in high school, so about 6 or 7 years now. he's always been the same, sweet, dudish lol with an awkwardness i love, very polite, with a macho side and have i mentioned that grin that kills? mmm. and we do both like each other a lot. and we don't blame the alcohol for provoking us, so that's a start right? i don't communicate with like we were dating, but i hope we do and if we don't well then i'll have to deal with it, he is pretty smokin' if i do say so myself.

i played the role of cupid just the other day. i love watching people fall in love, i'd like to know what that  feels like sometime, but for now seeing it around me makes me happy, naturally.

comission

this commission i recently got is freaking me out, i just started it and i'm completely thinking it through a lot, so i'm doing other little things instead, but this all means i'm putting it aside. tonight, tonight i will paint and find my zone, drown myself in sense of a rhythm and paint the way i do when nothing else really matters.

wish me luck