blank canvas

the canvas has been sitting there, just staring back at me, i think it's because i'm afraid, maybe it's a bit too personal, but i'm getting more of a thrill now. little by little. it will be similar to my last painting, but just a different subject matter

seems as if

sometimes it gets tough, but I'm a fighter right?
I don't deserve this and I'll get it through it right?
right...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

The Cure - Please Come Home

shit. i hope my blogs become peppier within a few days

lesson

my friend said that i'm the one who was destined to teach him the lesson, do you know how bad it hurts to see him like that? i'm so torn  apart after seeing him the way i did. sure he gave me those tickets and i'm thrilled, but currently i cry. I cry at the image that is burned into my mind of his eyes, his sad eyes. His miserable appearance. I can't stand seeing him the way he is at this moment and I hadn't seen him for quite some time. 

i agree that he might deserve what he's getting right now for everything he's done, but i just sit here and cry, wanting to give him a hug and provide my comfort, but i can't and i won't. 

i feel like I can finally move on, but that image sets me back a little.

i love him, but "in a parallel universe we'd be great for each other"

it's not meant to be and i've realized that.

it's just depressing seeing him  like that

i'll cry this out

work it out

more later...

Beach House - Real Love (iTunes Session)

gives me chills and watching them live is an experience like no other

question of time

it's not like i'm waiting for anything to happen, i'm not, but now i'm all kinds of confused with whats going on. i'm okay with being there for him and i'm okay with providing some sort of moral support, but  you're sending mixed signals bud! either you do, or you don't.

i'm doing fine, i'm sane enough for this. he's not and it breaks my heart. let alone one of my closest friends is going through a hard time right now and i'm in "mama bear" mode. i love being being there for people and providing them with my love and support, i don't always seek it when i need it though.

it tears me seeing her go through this, she's such a lovely girl. i'm going to be there by her side with whatever she needs from me. she knows this. i'll be cracking jokes left and right for her

meep.

The Cranberries- Not Sorry

pure gold.

Of Monsters And Men - Love Love Love

word.

oh no, yes, you are a crook.

blog it out

now maybe i just feel hopeless and it bugs the hell out of me, but I just can't seem to help it.

im just going to rant and write things that have been on my mind, either good or bad, and just anything in between.

i feel like career wise i'm going nowhere.
my love life hasn't begun yet, which doesn't necessarily bug me, but it'd be nice to have someone by my side, everyone around has someone...i love love love seeing them all happy, but it depresses me at the same time. maybe i'm just not cut out for that ya know?

he called and says he doesn't deserve my friendship and he's right, he doesn't, but i'm not a cruel person, not like her and although he did what he did to me, i still manage to see the good in him, enough to still care and enough to still want him to find the happiness he wants. i'm alright with being acquaintances like i wrote before, but i never offered my friendship and i'm not offering it. that would be pretty unfair to me.

i'm too nice for my own good and i wish someone that got that and appreciated that would come along, it doesn't have to be now and it doesn't even have to be with the opposite sex, just anyone who would appreciate that. maybe i should become a nun? baha no

going to these 80's clubs was amazing! god i felt like i was home and was somewhere i belonged, i'll be going back for sure :)  (way to bring depeche mode in there lol) and the curse was amazing, i wasn't worried about anything, if anything it would have been nice running into him, but i honestly didn't end up caring about that.

my spring break is coming to an end and tonight i'm going out regardless, i dont care if i have to go out alone, i'm out tonight and tomorrow it's hw crunch time.

ps- i love you, those who are there for me and those who appreciate me.

new york in about 2 months!

back tracking

it's just one of those day where i feel off. i feel like something is out of place. it's not a big deal, but it throws me out of the loop.


i had such an amazing time with amazing people and i want to keep this good feeling.

Arcade Fire - We Used to Wait (Unstaged)

sloppy little kisses

catchy catchy catchy


i was not in love, although it seemed like a nice idea.
it was all a facade

break

oh its spring and im going to enjoy every single moment of it rain or shine!


runyon canyon, blue mondays, beach, runyon canyon again, do some painting, the curse, go out with freinds, otra salidita?, and then enjoy myself, then finish up my essays.


im a little worried about thursday night, but it shouldn't be a problem, it's not for me and the whole friends thing is out of the question, but i can handle being acquaintances since i feel so good, but of course it can all back fire, but i know better now. besides im preoccupied :)

The Lion King (Full Movie)

you're shitting me.

NO

now i dont have to worry about just having it on vhs

i'm happy but, something is missing

i don't know what it is, but i just feel some sort of emptiness. it doesn't necessarily mean i need someone, but it could be a 'thing'

maybe its an activity or some sort of relief. (insert pun here :p lol)
 let's not ignore the fact that it could be that i would like someone with me to share my time with. that could be it, but i honestly can't be too sure.


ps- im going to a show, he might be there and i'm fine with that, but will he be?
and i might be inviting another to it, conflict? doubt it.

i had an amazing time tonight and i'm going to keep it that way.

sleep well :*

sangria

i'm drunk and blogging.

it's been an amazing weekend so far, but im a little drunk and should stop blogging now, this could get messy.




there's so much shit on my mind.
1. i miss him, just right now.
2.i want him
3. i want to talk to him
4.1-3 are all different guys.

pinches hormones. bahaha

1. i'll get over it soon
2. since high school ive had a thing for him, sometimes i think he's gay, we hit it off so well then and when we get together its the best time i have talking to someone!!!!
shoot i wouldn't mind of he is, but if he isn't well that's a whole other story.
3. he a silly and awkward guy and i want to know more about him.

time for another drink, cheers!

You.

You'll always be in my heart, I'll always care and I don't mind you calling me every once in a while. I want to hear that you're ok, that you're doing well and that you're not miserable anymore. the miserable part might take some time.

But us, even if you ever come back to me for some reason, if you say you're good, im sorry but i will not believe you. It just simply won't happen because I'm tired of everything I went through to make you happy.

Yet, I still want you to be happy, even if it's with that little girl (sorry, she's fucking childish).

If that isn't love, then I don't know what is. you missed out.




I'm happy with myself right now. Maybe I'll feel a new kind of love later, it could be similar to this one, but i'm hoping for a better beginning, middle and end. not perfect ones, but healthy ones.

Norah Jones - Virginia Moon - Foo Fighters

sweetest invitation, breaking the day in two

to do list, not for the now, but later

with whomever i end up sharing a part (or the rest of my life with)

1. have a picnic at a park, while the birds eat all of our food.
2. spend the entire day with them
3. go skydiving
4. have a glass of wine and some pasta at beach front restaurant (we can save up a little money)
5. go to a baseball, basketball, soccer etc. game and get pissed drunk
6. get drunk off of wine
7. make love like it's last time 
8. watch the sunrise on the east coast
9. watch the sunset at the beach
10. go to the observatory in la just before the sun goes down on a clear night
11. get into minor trouble
12. bake something in the kitchen and end up with a flour nose
13. lay on a hillside on a nice sunny breezy afternoon
14. get lost in the middle of nowhere....only for a little bit
15. travel together to places we'd each like to go
16. road trip
17. shower together
18. joke together and sometimes to not take things so seriously
19. be playful
20. go on a swing
21. go snowboarding 
22. do charity
23. fight some
24. love some
25. watch stupid movies all day in bed
26. most of all, never lose interest

ill be adding more later...

interesting night

i'm just satisfiedly numb towards him ( i know i said i wasn't going to mention him anymore, but maybe i lied)

but i just am, i didn't mean to see him and i'm sorry if i intruded. the rest im not sorry about, i was fine.

anyway that whole evening was all a little weird, it was so eerie and creepy! i swear someone was following me when i was getting into my car, the shadows kept scurrying, so like human nature i called my mom out.

after the whole shindig of a night (which wasn't too bad by my part) and im sorry, but i could never, ever go out with the the other guy.it's not right and i just dont have any interest in him whatsoever, besides being a friend and that's why i took him home to make sure he got there and ignored his stupid drunken antics. by the end of the night, i was in bed starting up this blog, when all of a sudden  i heard the god damn door bell ring at 1-2ish in the morning, i go and open the door, expecting an axe murderer and nothing. that was a wee bit more terrifying. 

good news: putting all of this aside, this guy i recently hung out with invited me to go to san diego with him for the weekend, well he didn't invite me, if he were the one driving he would have, but he wasn't, which i found interesting and quite surprising and sweet. i just don't know what it means by him saying that detail, he didn't have to, but then again i'm not going to obsess over this.

TODAY! 

Distributing clothes in downtown la, this should be interesting, im so scared im excited!

8 'S wonderful

this beautiful song makes me feel s'wonderful

i'd dance the night away in a slow one-two step, mmm

dreams

ive had the gnarliest dreams lately, 3 nights in a row.

one of them was  Avatar-esque where i was in a paradise surrounded by mystical mountains and cliffs, it was such a visually orgasmic dreams. it felt so nice. i was discovering the energy each of these cliffs contained and why they were so brightly lit, and the gravity! oh the gravity there was so unreal (it really was lol) i could jump and feel like i was on the moon

the second night it was about me going to watch a movie, apparently i was watching hop, but it was really a super hero movie in the galaxy consisting of laser beam weapons and spandex&leather suits, but! i was also a part of this. then shane dawson was in  my dream and we trying to run up the down elevators. weird but entertaining lol and towards the end i flipped someone off like i have never before, that someone being coughers coughing.


now my third....i'll have to come back to it later.

cosmos

Lady Antebellum - Lookin' For A Good Time

guilty pleasure

all my dreams are never quite as it seems in a realization

things are so drastically changing everyday and the more i read into thing the more i seem to get them.

things are always going to change and i need to learn to deal with it ( i have quite nicely)

i'm doing things differently, although this may seem like  stupid idea... i'm dropping one class. that's it. lol
i refuse to get the 'C' and i know i'm so much better than that. so i'll try again next semester or whenever it is that i can. but i'm alright with this. i'll still be a full time student and i'm actually going to apply for a job once i get back from new york, because i want to move out in about a year and a half.

it's sort of stupid how i was trying to find comfort in finding someone new, but that it smoothly settling itself out because i find comfort in a whole bunch of other things! jogging, painting, just hanging out with my friends, joking around, going to the beach, my family, taking my dogs for a walk, sitting under a tree. all of these things seem so much more valuable as time passes, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. and i promise i am not exaggerating.

ANOTHER THING...

i've noticed i tend to blog a lot about a certain person, that's stopping, they mean nothing to me anymore. it's all a memory, wether it was good or bad, i'll never say...or i just merely don't want to hear myself say it, or watch myself type it.



i'm forgetting all the love i once knew because it doesn't live here anymore.



im so fucking happy i could scream.

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

check them out!

im looking forward to listening to the rest of their stuff

breathe

that's all i need to do, just breathe.