treading haze

it's weird, i sort of go back and forth with my emotional state, most of the time i'm happy and content, but there times where i can't help but set myself back. I think back to everything, not only is it my ex that i think about, but a whole bunch of other things, things that others have done to me.

sometimes thing seem like a blur to me and i avoid thinking about them because i don't want to believe that they're real, that anyone would do something like that to me. it's the where the whole psychological thing comes into play.  I push back memories that i really don't want to remember to the side. i've never told anyone what it is that i remember and  i never will. It's something so disturbing that i choose to believe it didn't happen (at east i hope they didn't)

i wish i could put certain memories aside like i did to these and keep all the good ones, but then where would i learn from?

i'm slowly, but surely accepting myself as well.


my whole undecided of a path is sort of clearing up and i know i want to paint, i don't want to stop, it's my passion, if that is the thing that will keep me happy, wether i'm poor and barley getting by, i'll be happy. i want to cry at how much more happy i'v become, how everyone around me shows me it'll be fine and if i fall again, they will all be there. everyone i meet brings me some sort of happiness, i love them all so much it's unexplainable and my family of course, but my friend are the family i can really be myself around and i fucking love them for that.

i just found myself thinking about those people around me and i love them so much, even those who may not deserve my attention, they've all taught me something and have helped me when i was too scared or intimidated to do certain things. this i am most certain about.

back to my haze, it's clearing.

i'm good, i'm gone!!!