Huntington Library

I finally visited Pasadena's Huntington Library. The collection overall is amazing and believe there was not enough time to cover the entire property. There are painting, sculptures, gardens, fountains, buildings. Dear God this place was like heaven and has a mystical atomosphere. It's perfect. Now i wasn't there to witness the Japanese botanical garden it's famous for because it has been under construction, but has been officially reopened since this past thursday and i will definitely be going back because i know for a fact i did not get to see it all. I want to make it a mission to visit places in la this year since i'm privileged to do so, might as well take advantage no? yes, yes i actually do go out alone and don't mind it.

girls are so emotional

i have come to a conclusion that i am ready to commit, but the lack of commitment from my partner is what stops me from wanting to commit, so i guess i'm not. scratch that i ever said i was. i like going out and not having to worry about hurting someone (which is hardly the case), but i also like having someone miss me. Someone being there to hold me by the waist and kiss me from time to time throughout the night. Instead i stand there alone with a drink in one hand and a cell phone in an other, hoping for a text or notification to distract me from all the couples around me who sway around the bar in their melancholic state. shits depressing man. as an aquarius i am known for being a lone wolf and going out and doing things on my own, which is true, i love it. Soon enough there comes a time where i begin to think that it would be nice to share all of what i am doing with someone, but i'm so young and naive, i shouldn't want to be committed to someone so badly, maybe it's just the hopeless romantic in me. i hate that my entire state of mind has been preoccupied with this nonsense stuff lately. I did have my chance..i think, but i missed it and i'm in the friend zone and most likely wont be coming out of it. All i can do is smile and support our friendship along with his new found relationship. i'm still annoying myself.  it's almost as if i'm at a ridiculous pre mid life crisis.

once again

it seems that i begin to worry about the same thing every time. i'm really beginning to aggravate myself with this. I want to settle with someone. I'm not desperate to the point of accepting any man who decides to show interest in me, no. I do not work that way. If anything, I hate admitting it, but i'm beginning to feel picky when it comes to men. I did not want to admit it, but i've completely shunned the one guy who has shown that he would be up for devoting his time to me and only me. I feel terrible, but I am not ready to devote myself to one person or maybe to him. I just don't find him romantically attractive and he is trying too hard to impress me, i'm not. The aztec and i have managed to keep in contact and hang out every once in a while, spur of the moment outings. The difference now is that he is actually interested in some one else so i have a different mind set about him, still interested and find him attractive in every way possible, just not allowing my crush to ruin the friendship. A funny little thing came up while we were out one night, he asked why i had never tried to pursue him...have sex. I assured him i did and still do, but i'm not the kind to jump into something without feelings. He knows iv'e only been romantically involved with one person so allowing my barriers to deteriorate for someone that intimidates me is a really difficult thing to do. I was afraid of becoming attached and he initially said he could have a mind set that blocks all feeling out, i feel incapable of doing the same. So i think i made a smart decision. the chemistry is there, it's unbelievable, but maybe it's just an extremely special friendship thats coming out of this. we spoke of going to europe on a singles backpacking trip in about a year very briefly...i'll be damned if we're both single still, he did bring it up first, but i'm sure he'll forget by then, maybe both of us will. i'm boring myself with feelings.