doubt

When doubt comes into play, everything can and will be ruined, unless you learn to control yourself. I believe I do an overall good job with controlling it, but it is so hard to not doubt different things, stages or anything in life.

my relationship with andy has been wonderful the second time around, normal you could say. We were together for almost 4 months a few months ago, but that was cut short. like every relationship, everything seems so nice and dandy in the beginning, but later his ex comes up. he was lying to me, not cheating, but just lying. Well truthfully i cant say he was not cheating, i wouldnt know that, but she was his one. She was messing with his head while we were togteher and in the end i could not deal with it, no more. i still talked to him, but less and less. when we did hang out, i couldnt see him as just a friend, so i decided i couldnt deal with any of him or her and i decided to cut off all communications, but he wouldnt let go. He doesnt know how badly he hurt me, he really doesnt. I cried days and nights over him, my family unaware. i hated going through that, it was one of my worst life experiences.


i guess someone knocked some sense into him, i took him back. Its been a little over a month now and things have been well, normal, ups and downs, were getting to know each more than the last time. i know he communicates with her here and there, it bugs me, but at least he's telling me and that im grateful for. I just can't help but doubt myself and this relationship sometimes because of her. I'm young, i know and i know i could meet many more people, but right now, right now its him who holds my heart. i think he's one of the few guys who could out on having sex for so long, kudos to him because he has not gotten a hold of my virginity yet. That will happen when he loves me, when i feel that he sincerely means it. It scares me so much and i have mentioned this to him; to feel love. What scares me the most is him not feeling the same way i feel...

nice night

The art walk was nice, i just wish i would have seen more. My significant other went and i don't think he enjoyed it as much as he should have. The group i usually go with are fun, but this time we spent so much time waiting for some to come out of galleries. It got a tad bit annoying, but we didn't want to be rude and just leave. He hadn't slept in over 36 hours so that counts as well. I was tired, but it was still nice, much better than last time. There were many more sculptures like this one, my personal favorite;

this here was a reggae band, they were really good.

me(left) friend(right)








this here is my guy, hoping this time we grow closer and are in it for the right reasons :)

on this day

It's been quite a normal day and nothing special has happened, but i find myself thinking of my boyfriend constantly. I am afraid of falling in love because of everything I've seen my brothers do to their past or current girlfriends.

I have three brothers and i am the only girl, so things become much more difficult for me when it comes to going out an d having guy friends. this is the reason why i have to hide the fact that i have a boyfriend. they do not realize that i am capable of having a healthy relationship with someone. My mothers says to wait until i am mature enough ( at the age of 21), this is quite unfair because my 17 year old brother has a girlfriend and i know for a fact that i am a tad bit smarter and more aware of life and things than he is.

I am grateful for not being a jealous girlfriend because i would be on his ass. Considering everything ive seen, i cant help, but be influenced on the way boys are because of my brothers, but ive noticed that ive come to accept more. I know guys will cheat (not all guys) and i may also, you can never say never, but i do not plan on it. My eyes see him only.

It's really funny how much a relationship affects your life and not having enough time with him kills me. I try to see him when i can and find myself lying to just go see. I don't want to lie to my parents, but they just haven't given me the trust i think i deserve.

Besides that,i have a great normal relationship with my parents.

Ps- I am excited for the downtown la art walk this thursday june 10th!

i will be going with him on an outing at night :)

the atmosphere is marvelous

First Blog

And so my thought process begins.

Ive come to learn that i hide many things from others, even my closest friends. its almost natural for me to because in reality i do not wish for them to see me broken. I am usually the one that is helping them feel better and although they would offer calm me and talk things through, I am not able to say everything.

Once again, i believe this is a natural occurrence. I will use this bog to ramble on, feel free to read it and follow. I will write or in this case; type what i am feeling, what i have been up, how life is, how school is, how my relationship is. Beware; i will be typing of my relationship with my significant other quite a bit. Aside from having little problems here and there that have to do with his ex, my parents do not know if him. I am 19 and he is my first boyfriend. i feel its okay, i'm intelligent and not ignorant, but they think the opposite. i will leave you for now and until next, have a lovely day :)