i seem to depress myself by thinking about things i shouldn't be; about stupid things, things i think i could fix. Before it seemed possible, but now...in all seriousness it's all been thrown out the window. it really sucks how badly bruised one person can leave you and believe me, i fight to get through this and i am, but i have those relapse moments where i just think about how bad it was, i appreciate the good times, but the bad does overpower and i really just want it to go away. sometimes i think that if i cut out all the technology and friends out of my life and just spend my time home and working i will be fine, but i wont. Not until i find something that overpowers the way i feel about life and about boys.
as childish as this may seem, having a male companion to count on would help my situation so much, but i'm not to go looking for one. i'm not the type that feels the need to have one by my side all day everyday. If anything, i'm quite the opposite, i love being alone and having my space, but after finding out how beautiful it is to have that someone there, i really wouldn't mind having it again. one problem: TRUST.
how do i know i will able to trust the next guy? i won't. things like that just can't be predicted. it sort of sucks how the good girls always seem to find the worst partners, but there are those lucky ones out there as well. i'm worried about meeting the next person and him not accepting me, i'm not sure why, but it's a personal belief that i think it's weird that men are even attracted to me. it blows me away. i'm told it's because i'm mature, intelligent and i'm just really cool and laid back. they say i've also got spunk, but it's so difficult for me to see any of this. of course my girls always say ' you're beautiful!" c'mon now, every girl says that to her friend despite anything. in all honesty i dont show it all, ever, i actually always seem the way my girls describe me, but when it comes to it deep down i'm self-conscious, awkward, and worrisome when first meeting anyone that seems interested. i am quirky, silly, and become my comfortable normal self once i've accepted the other, but i'm afraid of not finding someone who i can be that with. haven't found them yet, i tell myself i am not looking, but aren't we always? subconsciously we wish to stumble upon that person that will make everything so much better for us and i am no exception.
like i said, i'm not searching for it in every corner like a few of my desperate friends are.
No comments:
Post a Comment