Alaska

I said my last goodbye to her before leaving to new york, she was an amazing dog for 10 yrs. she was family.

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hdog

just a quick thought about em'. he's great and ever since the beginning of the semester we've shown interest in each other. wether he's actually interested in me, i don't know. he's completely different from my ex, aside from being hispanic. i see a trend there, damnit. anyway, he was always funny and then he walks into class with his hair cut off, mind you he originally had shoulder length, curly hair, a crooked smile and somewhat crooked teeth, and he wears glasses. a dork with all the awkwardness i'm attracted to. That day, he looked so different, i swear to you he didn't look like himself, in a good way, not that he didn't look good before, but he oozed confidence and radiated. he felt like he was the shit with the new found attention. Feeding his ego, i walked over and said he looked great! i believe that's when the little new found spark started. A little teasing here, a little joke there, a lot of laughing everywhere and next thing i know we were sitting next to each other in painting class towards the end of the semester, laughing every time we caught each other looking at the other's painting or at one another. (he was beginning level and i'm at the art major level...i'm working on it.) feeling like i was in high school, a couple classmates started teasing him and sometimes they would tease me also, but i don't take things too seriously so they just brushed off my shoulder. i just find it hard to believe he'd be even a tad bit interested, i lack confidence, which i tend to show, but don't really feel. i look at me; short, in shape, but don't look it and mediocrely interesting and not so attractive. i look at him; (again) semi crooked smile and teeth, glasses, buff and in shape. ( he's loves working out) he's a genius and a bookworm yet knows how to party hard and control himself...sometimes, which he denies and he is a total sweetheart although he seems like an army badass (literally he is) and he's about 6 yrs older than i am.
so much for the quick thought, oops.

i hadn't seen him at all since the end of the semester and we had been talking about a concert we were both planning on going, but on different days.  The concert dates come around and he also ends up going the night i go, which i understand, it's his favorite band. Funny thing was that we spent about ten minutes on the phone trying to somehow find each other in  a crowd of thousands of drunk and rowdy fans before the show, impossible. we gave up and enjoyed the concert. AMAZING, it was. afterwards we call each other again and decide to say a quick hello, we struggle for about five minutes trying to hunt each other down so we decide to meet near the bar area. As soon as i see that fitted tee and those casual jeans, sneakers, and chiseled body i knew it was him. tapping his shoulder, i surprise him. he turns around and he fucking looks like someone just gave him a million bucks. i was excited also, but i loved his reaction and we talk about how we 'technically' hung out and the usual "it's been a while." we hug and those big arms wrapped around me like they were made for me, we hug again right away tightly, but only this time he picks me up, he said "i had to do it, this is crazy!" one thing i love, but hate with the same amount of passion is when someone picks me up, how much more self conscious could i be? so i call him an asshole, slap his chest and laugh. we quickly chit chat about the show, the fact that he had been drinking and how he will be "sheening" it and then i had to go. we say goodbye and one more hug. i wouldn't mind dating this guy, but i like us being friends.  
i'm thinking nothing more of this, why? well because i'm a girl and i just needed this out of my system.

jj - "Let Go" Secretly Canadian Records

i fell in love with them instantly when i first heard them not too long ago. check em out, they're worth it

Caifanes - La célula que explota

this song makes me feel melancholy, anger, and nostalgia

The Smiths - This Charming Man

it's just this type of evening :)

Mana June 24 2011 at the Staples Center

this was from last night! Mana has still got it and will never lose it! it sums up this whole night. my brother was on the other side of the staples center, i had forgotten my camera so i used his material and put a couple clips of mine from my cell. enjoy! it was amazing!

difference is

i guess i just don't feel the same way anymore. late monday afternoon i headed off to hollywood to catch panic! at the disco on the jimmy kimmel show, but i wasn't going alone. i would not have cared if i did, still i brought my younger brother along and my ex. i had not seen him (ex) since about a month and a half ago, when  we had both agreed to randomly meet up for lunch and before that it had been a few months or something. Anyway, i felt different. picking him up from his home because he also had a ticket to go and had actually invited me to go with him, but i got a pair before he had even asked. he seemed a bit hurt by this? i don't know, it's just that when he does that puppy dog face i feel like he's dying inside and when he does things like this, remembers me and wants to take me out, it's almost like he still wants to make up for what he did. i accept invitations sometimes because i feel bad and because yes, i do miss him at times, but honestly i don't feel the same anymore towards him. why do i still accept to see him? well because i'm stronger and feel it, i'm not the stupid and naive girl in la la land that i was when i was letting him get away with so many things. He originally just wanted it to be the two of us going to PATD because he still mentioned that my brother didn't want to go, he was right, but i knew my brother was going to enjoy it and he did actually. 

he tries to keep the conversation going in the car and that's just how he is and i'd just laugh at him. if he asked me something i'd give very quick answers because i don't want to seem so friendly, like he never did anything wrong. i always seem tough when meeting up with him because i have my guard up just in case. we arrived and i loosened up a little, but still gave him cold stares whenever he mentioned things i didn't want to remember. we had a good time overall and got to see funeral party before panic! went on (bonus). he laughed, we all laughed, we talked and listened to music. this time it was different, there were times  occasionally wanted to hug him and just kiss his cheek, but it faded soon enough as the night went on. i dropped him off, said hi to his mom, he walked me out, and we hugged. i gave a patted hug. this might be ridiculous, but a patted hug is a 'pal' type of hug and i chose wisely. i like seeing him, but not often.   

this time i left fine, i don't miss him and i expect nothing from him just as he shouldn't from me.

venting much? hah

Nek - Laura no esta.avi

i'm heading back to what i grew up with, i miss this

Me Vale (MANA) en vivo

they're playing saturday the 25th of june @ the Staples Center!

FUCK IM EXCITED!!! see you there!

Okkervil River - "Lost Coastlines" Jagjaguwar Records

honestly when i first heard this song i was instantly hooked. they've got a gig the 23rd this month at the wiltern (this week) i so wish i was going!!!!

enjoy nonetheless :)

Why Don't You Do Right - Am I Not Your Girl

mmm yes

Arctic Monkeys - Piledriver Waltz - Suck It And See

the more i listen to this album, the more i love it

Interpol - NYC [Official Video]

i'm sick of spending all of these hours training myself not to care- probably one of my favorite lines

i'm new york bound to the pornographic subways in ten days, pinch me.

Beach House - Heart of Chambers

in your heart of chambers, where you sit..

two steps back

i've always struggled with my weight, but about 4 years ago I had that "life changing" moment and i realized i  needed to feel better about myself and become healthier. i started jogging and changed my eating habit, and drinking tons of water and lost about 30 lbs, then i joined track in high school and it was one of the best things i had thought of and one of the best times of my life up until that point. Then i lost another 20. i was so happy with myself and proud of myself, but then i started college and i didn't do as much working out and i was eating about the same yet i kept gaining weight. i didn't mind gaining 15lbs, i was fine with that, as long as i maintained it, but no. I gained about 30 lbs back. I'm mortified and i broke down last night like a 2 year old would. I'm doing everything i should be, i jog (3miles) almost every day, i change up the work out, my caloric intake is good, and i drink a lot of water. I felt hopeless because i dont know what i'm doing wrong and i thought i was doing so well. i really don't want to have a thyroid problem, maybe i'm being naive, but i really dont want it to be that. So, i gave in, i gave in and got a membership to the gym. I'm changing my eating habits again and lowered my intake, but i wont be anorexic, i could never do that whole bulimic thing either, anyway i'm going to continue what i'm doing and add more cardio, weights and drink a lot more water. i have no problem becoming a vegetarian, but i like my chicken so i'll have a a more grain and vegetable thing going for me with chicken 2 or 3 times a week. i can tell from the last few months that my legs are gaining more muscle, but i guess i need an extra push to burn more. I guess it hit me hard like it did 4 yrs ago and i'm ready for this again and it helps that i enjoy working out.

MUSIC HELPS also lol

i went to go catch a movie with a friend the other day. we both made plans to go together and spend a chilly evening in old town pasadena. did i mention, i love that place? we caught an 810pm showing, but before hand we walked around the methodist church that's around the corner trying to find a place to smoke. it was more for his sake than mine, needless to say i don't do drugs, but i'm not opposed at all to reefer. it's just never really been my thing, sort of funny considering that quite a few of my friends are pot heads. i had tried it before, but maybe i didn't smoke it right because i felt nothing, i tried another time and i think i was too drunk to notice, and finally that night in pasadena i tried again, this time i felt it a little. i was already happy to begin with, but i was extremely happy about 10 minutes later and we walked into a lightly dimmed coffee shop and ordered a frozen hot chocolate with a croissant. it was good, then we walked into the theatre sat down, took another sip and it tasted amazing. lol it was weird. once the movie started my senses were a little more hyped, there was a ton of astronomical images and i was being blown the fuck away with sunspots, milky ways, and  radical nebulas. that was the only good part of that movie. then the feeling sort of faded, so i didn't get much of a high or blasphemous feeling, but it was still cool. overall, it was good night.

Memory Tapes "Yes I Know"

the way this video is made, i loved it from the first time i watched it. check it out

wel there is thing that i can't grasp. it's as if the whole world is moving along but i'm not. like i have been left in the dust (dear god how much more cheesy could this get)  Well i know i can get out of this, but it's taking me so much time, especially trying to figure out f i'd like to pursue my art career. You know, this scares the shit out of me.

everyone around me who was once in love is falling out of love and i don't know wether i'd like that anymore. i love being single, but i love having someone that i can plan with. Now i know people come and go, but i've had too many bad experiences with that and i'd like something stable. There are women who go from one relationship to another, one right after the other trying to figure what they're doing wrong and why things are going so badly. thing is they don't wait, they need that comfort and are almost desperate for attention and will take anything they can get. i on the other hand am not, i've been careful and unlucky, but maybe it's just not my time for a relationship and something good is on the way.  (my neck and back hurts from all of this slouching)

i feel like a child lost in the produce section looking for her mom. no bueno and like i need to leave the nesting grounds first to do what i feel i want to do, no restrictions, my own rules ( a bit of an oxymoron, but you know what i mean) and live the way i'm going to. get a job, dingy apartment, and make art. i'll be happy. (why do art supplies have to be expensive?)

here i am again, sitting in a coffee shop hiding myself from the cashier i've had a crush listening to Fleet Foxes, having overpriced coffee with a bagel i could make at home. it was delicious. sometimes i watch people, analyze them and wonder what their life must be like, humans do this in a matter of 3 seconds and we're probably wrong 9 times out of 10.

i didn't go to work but i have been up since 440am and here i ponder about what shenanigans i'll do today. yesterday         contacted me and wanted to go have (a romantic hah!) lunch at taco bell, it's been over two months i believe since i've seen him and it's done me well, so i don't know if i should accept the offer if it comes up again today. the whole 'one step forward, two steps back' comes into play sometimes. mario tells me i shouldn't see him, he's right, but me being a girl and having things like 'emotions' might have some sort of play in my decision. now if i come out of this hurt, well then that's my fault, but knowing me, if we do have lunch, i'll be quiet and distant or too happy around him, ignoring his subtle 'i miss you hints'. in reality it's not me he misses, it's the idea of me helping him get over his past, which won't happen anytime time soon. i act like a Goddamn wall, but when i get home, i crumble, like the berlin wall. that's if and when it becomes too much for me. i warned myself..

dreams

you were in my dream and it was both frightening and lovely. it was so new to me that i felt like a 9 year old child excited to go to a playground. i waited in the car for my friends and then you walked by and recognize me. we say hi and how it had been a while since we last saw each other. there you were, looking like a god, aura and all. tall, dark, and awkward. haha. but you just seemed so gorgeous and i wanted you to be mine, to share my life with you in that moment. it felt all too real that i knew it was a lie. you looked so charming in those tight jeans, hat, and boots. you looked better than ever with your sculpted muscles and beautiful smile. the same hipster- like hair style only more matured out. i couldn't help, but stare. we chatted and caught up while you tried to show off yourself to me.  i had to be home because it was getting late and so i said bye, but we kept sort of lingering around. finally we separated and looked at each other while going out into the distance. le sigh, probably one of the most cute and realistic dreams i've had in a very log time. keep em' coming because my mind needs to wander elsewhere

ARCTIC MONKEYS - 04 - The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala [Live @ BBC Radio 1...

ive been following them since the first album back in 2006 wow

the new album Suck It an See is amazing

Not Fade Away | Florence + The Machine

but i'm not the angry type

and finally i am starting feel that sort of feel towards someone, it's more of a big dislike. he disappointed me and i feel like whenever he contacts me, he thinks it's all good. so long as he's thinking about someone else, i will not give him any chances, all of that has been pretty much thrown out the window and i want nothing more than to be acquaintances, i could never be his friend and although and i don't mind seeing him every once in a while or hanging out, i know he's lying to me and i'll just set myself up for disappointment in the end because all i ever am going to want is him. Frankly i'm learning to move on and i'm learning to not see him with that hopefulness i used to have.i feel so much better about myself and i like realizing that i don't need him, but it just throws me off when he contacts me because i know he doesn't want me that way. i like him less and less every day. keeping myself busy has been working so much