wel there is thing that i can't grasp. it's as if the whole world is moving along but i'm not. like i have been left in the dust (dear god how much more cheesy could this get)  Well i know i can get out of this, but it's taking me so much time, especially trying to figure out f i'd like to pursue my art career. You know, this scares the shit out of me.

everyone around me who was once in love is falling out of love and i don't know wether i'd like that anymore. i love being single, but i love having someone that i can plan with. Now i know people come and go, but i've had too many bad experiences with that and i'd like something stable. There are women who go from one relationship to another, one right after the other trying to figure what they're doing wrong and why things are going so badly. thing is they don't wait, they need that comfort and are almost desperate for attention and will take anything they can get. i on the other hand am not, i've been careful and unlucky, but maybe it's just not my time for a relationship and something good is on the way.  (my neck and back hurts from all of this slouching)

i feel like a child lost in the produce section looking for her mom. no bueno and like i need to leave the nesting grounds first to do what i feel i want to do, no restrictions, my own rules ( a bit of an oxymoron, but you know what i mean) and live the way i'm going to. get a job, dingy apartment, and make art. i'll be happy. (why do art supplies have to be expensive?)

here i am again, sitting in a coffee shop hiding myself from the cashier i've had a crush listening to Fleet Foxes, having overpriced coffee with a bagel i could make at home. it was delicious. sometimes i watch people, analyze them and wonder what their life must be like, humans do this in a matter of 3 seconds and we're probably wrong 9 times out of 10.

i didn't go to work but i have been up since 440am and here i ponder about what shenanigans i'll do today. yesterday         contacted me and wanted to go have (a romantic hah!) lunch at taco bell, it's been over two months i believe since i've seen him and it's done me well, so i don't know if i should accept the offer if it comes up again today. the whole 'one step forward, two steps back' comes into play sometimes. mario tells me i shouldn't see him, he's right, but me being a girl and having things like 'emotions' might have some sort of play in my decision. now if i come out of this hurt, well then that's my fault, but knowing me, if we do have lunch, i'll be quiet and distant or too happy around him, ignoring his subtle 'i miss you hints'. in reality it's not me he misses, it's the idea of me helping him get over his past, which won't happen anytime time soon. i act like a Goddamn wall, but when i get home, i crumble, like the berlin wall. that's if and when it becomes too much for me. i warned myself..